WHILE I HAVE BEEN WAITING CHOI YOUNG'S STORY
by klove1
Summary: Story of a great, yet simple and completely in love, man's quest in transcending his most inner feelings and fears, while waiting, believing, expecting, questioning, wavering, rediscovering, worshiping, and trusting his beloved return.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's notes: I love CY. I think he is a complex and multilayered character. His personal journey deserves special attention. This story is my vision of how he was able to sustain his undying love despite uncertainty and pain of separation from Eun Soo. How he lived without her, what it was like for him - waiting. The heights and the lows, the various sides of him. **

**This is a revised and reedited version, I hope you will enjoy it. Whether you are a new reader or just somebody returning back for a dose of "Faith" and "Youngspirin", leave a comment. Offer your opinion, or just share your response with others. We have a wonderful community of people who were all touched by "FAITH". I for one, look forward to all the reviews and appreciate them very much.  
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Tears of the Warrior

The field was drenched in cold rain. There, on the cool ground lay a lifeless body of Choi Young, frozen, colder than the earth underneath him, chilled to the heart from the powerful and deadly attack by Ki Chul. The usual warmth in his eyes and the passionate light illuminating his face had gone out. Dimmed and frosty, Choi Young's almond eyes reflected the grey stormy skies, like a glossy surface of a frozen lake, any signs of life buried deeply beneath it.

His mind as still as his body, focused on one thought, still linking him to the world of living, _Imja_. Was he too late?

The raindrops washed over his motionless features urging him to wake up from the chilling stupor. _Rain. Her favorite_. Little droplets insisted to be noticed, knocking on the doors of his consciousness, calling out with all their might on the power of his memories, begging for him to get up.

His fingers moved and his eyes reflected a flicker of will. He had to believe. If not, then what was the meaning of everything they had been through?

It was not physical prowess or inhuman strength that brought him to his feet, it was his longing to see her face again and to hold her in his embrace. Each step took unimaginable effort, while the icy force of life started to thaw slowly and his trickling KI, warmed up the frozen passages of his blood vessels and moved the pumping chambers of his heart, resuscitating his body to carry out his intent.

A glimmer of hope moved his stiff body toward the Heaven's gate, where Eun Soo was taken last. He struggled with the burning realization that if she had not returned for him yet, she was transported away on a journey through time, landing in some faraway place, out of his reach, lost and alone. Yet, he needed to make sure, only willing to believe his eyes. So he dragged his shivering limbs, still dizzy and weak, each step heavy with fear that what he understood in his mind, might actually come true – she would not be there.

As he approached, Choi Young stopped before a sharp rocky turn, leaning on the wet stone ledge to catch his breath. In a moment, the site of the Heaven's gate would appear before him and there would not be any room for doubt or hope. Memories crowded him, as the ominous weather with its cool wind, grey skies and the smell of rain in the air, transported him back in time when he volunteered to bring a doctor for the injured Queen. This was the place where it all started.

General Choi Young of Woodalchi was a very different man then. He entered a strange world filled with loud noises and harsh brightness, with flying carriages and lights in the sky. To him, that world was foreign and unwelcoming. But that world bore the most precious gift, which could not be found in the whole of Goryeo, High Doctor. She was a woman from the future, whom he kidnapped on his trip through time, a woman who was bound to leave, and who by some miraculous leap of faith gave a chance to the man she called _psycho_, saving him countless times.

It was by the loving touch of her hand that he was transformed from a ghost of a man into a person, who understood the meaning behind living. By seeking her heart, he gained the will to love and to fight for his love. By having her next to him, he found himself wanting something solely for himself, instead of giving his all to dutifully follow orders. By allowing himself to love Eun Soo, he made a conscious choice and became a stronger and better warrior, proudly serving his king. General Choi Young, gained the strength to wield a heavy sword with unshakable faith and a wise mind because he was truly living and loving. Having become one with her, he was graced by the beautiful miracle of her existence, and finally, he liked who Choi Young was.

Now he had come full circle. The dreaded moment of truth, one more step, and the Heaven's gate would be in plain view. He braced himself for the inevitable. In front of the mysterious portal, which now looked like a simple alcove carved out of stone, there was a frozen corpse of Ki Chul, no Eun Soo in sight.

_"She is alive, she escaped him"_ was his first thought of comfort. His second one of devastation - "_She is gone. Will she be able to return?"_

With a groan, he smashed his fist against his chest, trying to blunt the emotional pain in his heart with a primitive physical one. The strength he collected before, escaped him; his legs gave out, and he collapsed, kneeling on the ground, still facing the portal in disbelief.

In this drenching rainstorm, his only witness was the grieving heaven: there he was, vulnerable and alone, streams running down his cheeks. Normally, the General was not given to shedding tears, and in this shower, one could not tell the difference, yet, his reserved tears could flow freely, drowned in the nature's outpour.

… Finally, he reminded himself that SHE would be worried if he got sick. He could feel her warm hand on his cheek and see her smiling at him as if saying, "_You are better, you are OK._"

"Imja, I will take care of myself, I will eat well and sleep well, and I will be healthy for your return." So without hesitation, he got up and walked away.

He stopped briefly by the inn, where he found Dae Man, sent by the Vice General. The kid did not ask a thing, he just looked at his commander and stuttered, "I have a change of clothes." Choi Young was grateful that there were no questions about High Doctor. After quickly changing into dry robes, he rode home alone. Upon his arrival, he was notified that the King was waiting for him, troubled by his long absence.

"Please let His Majesty know that I will inform him in the morning."

When the Walls Can Talk

He could not bring himself to return to the room freshly holding her presence. He was afraid of seeing the remnants of her – the floor which recalled her steps, the medicine jars she touched, her Woodalchi armor, her hair brush, clothes, jewelry, and worst of all the bed where she slept, which still held her warmth and the smell of her body, topped by the pillow filled with the fragrance of her hair.

He went directly to their special place. Sitting down by the railing, weary from the journey and the emotional exhaustion, he fell into a deep dark sleep, only to be awakened by somebody's touch.

"Imja," bright and hopeful he opened his eyes, quickly turned to disappointment, finding his aunt next to him.

She had the most concerned expression he has ever seen on her face. "How are you? They told me I might find you here."

He could not answer, disturbed by the blunt reality, after instantly remembering everything.

"The Queen has sent me… She gave me a day off. Anything you need, anything at all, just let me know." She sat down nearby, respectful of his space.

He knew that it was her way of comforting him, more than a hug, or a pat on the back, her quiet support spoke volumes.

"She was cured. She was healthy, and I asked her to stay with me." He added faintly, "She was going to stay with me."

He closed his eyes, with a slight smile remembering. "We spent time together, just the two of us. I never felt that much at peace before. Like you are home, exactly where you belong and there is no doubt about anything…" He looked at his aunt, his eyes holding sadness and hope, "She went through the Heaven's door and I could not do anything to stop it. All I can do now is wait and be ready for her to return."

Lady Choi, looked at him intently and confused.

"I know she will come back. I do not know when, though… " With understanding, he added, "Don't worry, I won't turn into the walking dead again, not ever. I live for HER now, aunt."

_When I lay there dying, I remembered your face, your voice, saying everything will be fine, our promise to be together. Rain washed away all the doubts, I knew that you will never stop till you find me again. So I have to live in order to be here when you return._

The General did not return to his room for a month. He never lost the ability to sleep anywhere any time, so the compound and the palace garden became his refuge. He was never disturbed, as Woodalchi made sure of that. Even the King arranged for him to have time to himself, citing the need for the General to recover after the injury and the current stable situation at the palace. Although everyone was worried about his condition, nobody dared to ask, especially when he was more withdrawn than usual. Then one day, after it started to rain again, unexpectedly he came back to the barracks announcing, "You can find me in my room."

Pledge of Faith

He stepped through the threshold of the door. It was not as bad as he expected. In fact, both happy and painful memories were his friends. He welcomed them as they would be his only companions for a while. That first night, he did not sleep in his bed, he sat on the floor, only resting his head on the pillow. "Imja, good night," he whispered.

With time, it became easier and easier. He developed habits and routines that balanced his solitary activities with affairs of the state. Somehow, he naturally started having daily conversations with her; going to their meeting place, he would tell her about his thoughts, feelings and worries, consult about his decisions, and overall just to keep her upraised of his life.

Since then, he truly began learning how to live without her, to live in a way that she would approve of. The King offered to provide any assistance and later on when the opportunity presented itself, the General led the forces, which successfully conquered the land where the Heaven's door was located.

It was during one of his daily conversations at the meeting place that he decided to frequent the Heaven's door.

"Imja, I know that you are trying to find your way to me, it must be hard to come through the door without anyone standing at the other end. I will go to that field, that place where yellow flowers grow and an old tree marks the spot. I will go there and wait."

Choi Young was a changed man. He continued to be reserved and isolative, but he spent more time with the guys at the compound and even shared a story or two. At times he could feel the joy that camaraderie provided, surrounded by people who loved and respected him. A few, who still remembered High Doctor, would slip and sometimes bring her up in a conversation, but quickly retreat after a smack from the Vice General. Choi Young at first was glad to avoid the topic, but after a while, wanted to hear about her from others, to see her through other people's eyes, to know that she made a difference. The next time the conversation landed itself on the Heavenly healer, he gave an implicit permission with an approving nod and a smile.

_Waking up in my room without you, it's lonely. I know what you meant calling out "Are you there?" I want to call you, too "Imja, are you there?" I feel the emptiness to the core, it reminds me of how you make me whole. I will not crumble. I will be stronger than I was ever before. Every day we are apart, I learn to be more like you: to never give up, to work diligently at everything. When we meet again, you will be proud._

Because he knew, she would be asking "_Are you there?",_ each morning once he opened his eyes and each night before falling asleep, without fail he'd say "Imja, I'm here," believing his answer would find her across the tangled web of the cosmic time.


	2. Chapter 2

Worry

He started this morning like every other, getting up, dressing, running downstairs to catch breakfast, then coming back up to organize things before the meeting with the commanding officers. He pulled out the calendar and marked off another day, it has been 360 days now. During this time, he spent at least 200 days away from home, campaigning; his room empty, naked without its resident. Once back, it always took him a few days to get acclimated, to get used to sleeping on a real bed, with a real blanket. He found small conveniences, such as ability to take a bath or having a roof and four walls to protect him from the elements, refreshing.

_Am I getting old? Before I did not care. _He chuckled to himself,_ That was before Imja, now I need to keep myself looking good and healthy_. Most of all, he felt that being home meant he was ready for her to return. Whenever he was away, he was worried, what if she comes back and he was not there. What if he was injured or even worse, killed somewhere in a faraway place, while his woman was fighting with time and space to come back. He felt that staying put gave him the best chance to be ready for her arrival. Still the King had plans and those plans involved _him_. He was keeping up good spirits, but today was one of those days, when he needed a friend.

The King was in his office as usual; he was surprised to hear the announcement of the General's arrival. "Please, come in. Anything urgent?"

"No, Cho-na. Just wanted to say hello."

"Really?" King's brows went up in surprise. "The mighty General who never has any spare time, just came to say _hello_. All right, I will play along. Do Chi, you may leave us." The king put away his brush and came out from the table. "Let's seat comfortably."

"How is Her Majesty? I have not seen her lately. Has she been well?"

"She is well, thank you. Would you like some tea?"

"Yes, please. Let me pour for Your Majesty."

"No you are my guest. You came to visit me, the least I can do is to show some hospitality."

Choi Young began to regret this spur-of-the-moment idea. He had nothing to talk about, although he wanted to talk about everything; he realized that _hanging out_ with the king was not the brightest plan he came up with.

"The weather has been good," was the only thing that came out of his mouth.

"Choi Young, you are not good with small talk. Come out with it. Is there something bothering you?"

"Not in particular, Your Majesty. I just wanted to see you for a bit."

The King was more perceptive than he sometimes let on. He could read the General's face well: misery was written all over it. He gently broached the conversation, "You must be tired from all the campaigning. I was thinking of giving you a break. The army also needs to replenish supplies and soldiers deserve holiday to visit families. Is there anyone or anywhere you would want to visit?"

Choi Young perked up, "I would like to take a week off, if you do not mind."

"Yes, it is difficult, waiting… How do you do it?" the invitation to share on a personal level was extended.

This simple phrase gave Choi Young much needed empathy and the open - ended question allowed him to speak up with ease. The King certainly has become skilled in the friendship arena.

"I am not doing so well… " he started in his poised earnest tone, rendering the listener immediately engaged. "To tell you honestly, I'm never completely all right. Remember, the prince of Court Ki Chul talked about a hole in his heart he can never fill? I understand what it is like to have something missing from the core of your heart. It's not like I have a hole, it is more like I have a reserved space that is waiting for its rightful owner. I sometimes wake up at night because my heart is aching, calling out for her…"

"I'm so sorry. I would offer consolation, but I know there is nothing I can do. There is only one doctor who can heal your pain."

Although he would not say it, Choi Young thought to himself, _Only one person can soothe my pained heart. How crazy is that? That out of all the doctors in the world, she is the only one not available._

The two men sat without talking, sipping tea. Being quiet with someone who could understand one's turmoil was a precious luxury. The King created for him a space where it was safe to be oneself, poignantly called 'holding silence'. The general did not have to prove himself or tighten his emotions under the belt; he did not have to appear strong and decisive like in front of his troops. He could just sit and think, the bitter taste of tea an appropriate companion to the bitterness that was always there even on the best of the days. He savored it. He wanted to feel that bitterness to motivate him, to raise him up and hold him steady in this limbo of waiting…

Too often lately, just like earlier in the morning, the same persistent concern occurred to Choi Young: ever since Eun Soo was not around he found himself more careful with his body. As a warrior no matter how much he tried to stay alert, unpredictable situations could happen. He could never be sure that he would return safe and sound.

"Cho-na," he broke the silence, "I promised her I would stay safe."

This was not the first time the King was faced with this dilemma about the General: the man versus the warrior. Only now after the High Doctor's departure, the King gave his word to be a friend and to help the General with whatever he needed. He knew all too well about love, loss, and helplessness. He also knew that for Choi Young being a warrior was an inseparable part of his identity as a man. There was no way to draw a neat line in the middle and split him in half.

"I would like for you to take over some of the administrative duties. You can oversee the main movement of the forces, training and promotion. You can also handpick those who will be on the ground and you do not need to go to the frontlines. This is all I can do. You expertise is indispensable. Men trust you unconditionally and everybody in the country respects you. Even in the remote mountain villages name _Choi Young_ is known to little kids, who practice sword fighting on the wooden sticks, aspiring to grow up like you."

"You flatter me, Cho-na. Honestly, I'm torn about it myself. How can I ask my men to lay their lives on the line, if I'm going to be hiding behind a desk in a palace? Forget that I said anything. I'm just worried sick. It has been a year shy of five days since… A whole year has passed, and no sight of her. I just want to be alive to greet her, Cho-na," he choked on the last words; desperation took a hold of him. His expressive eyes screamed: _I want to hold her in my arms, to give back the love she offered me, to be there for her forever and ever, like I promised. I want to be able to keep my promise._

The King could not bear to see this usually commanding man so dejected.

"Look, you do not have to decide anything. This is an option. I would like for you to stay alive as well; this is the bare minimum I can do for High Doctor, since she saved my wife. I will give you some time to think it over. There is always a choice for me to give you an order… if you would prefer."

"I do not wish to have preferential treatment. I was wrong to ask for it. Please forget about it. What I do want to ask for is a week off."

"Oh, yes, time off. You asked for it before, of course. Take a week or two, as you wish. Just make sure your location is known so that you can be reached in case of emergency."

"I am going to the Heaven's door, Cho-na".

The King gave the General an encouraging smile.


	3. Chapter 3

The First Trip

Since the day the General decided to visit the Heaven's gate, he was only able to take the time off now. This was the first time he would return to that fateful place… It was both blessed and cursed. Blessed because he found her there, cursed because it was there that he lost her. It was almost one year since he had heard her voice, seen her face, held her close.

Worry seemed to have been occupying his mind recently. Actually, he had no clue how to properly prepare for what was to come. He readied himself as if for a battle, conditioning the body and focusing the mind.

A few simple steps before he departed. He laid out his traveling garments and picked up the sword. The methodical repetitive motion of cleaning his sword put his mind almost into a meditative state. The plan began to take shape. He thought of the best route, either to take horseback on the main highway, saving him time, or to go through the backcountry, where he took Eun Soo when they tried to escape to the Heaven's gate from the death warrant by Yuan. The thought of walking the same road where they were together comforted him.

Despite the nagging ache in his heart that those recollections brought, having such vivid memories of her was crucially important.

_I can never forget. I can never forget._

He was scared to death to forget her face, like he forgot the face of his fiancé when he started to fall in love with Eun Soo.

_This is different, _he tried to convince himself_. Imja is different, I'm different. And it's only been one year. I remember everything distinctly._

The decision was obvious: he would walk, not ride.

As he left, he truly had no idea what to expect. It would be unrealistic to hope that she would appear in front of him at the time when he decided to show up. Yet, from the corner of his heart, hope was pushing him forward.

He was amazed at how easily memories came to life triggered by a mere sight or sound.

_Yogi_: They were walking on this path, and Eun Soo was chatting brightly, while a song bird's call was heard. These were the things she taught him: high five; promise with a stamp at the end – silly things, designed to help when she was gone. Back then, he could not see the value. _Never say never_, because they kept him going.

_Yogi_: There was a shady tree where they sat to rest. The sound of wind rustling the leaves brought back that moment like it was yesterday…

_Yogi_: When he reached the basin with the stream where Eun Soo found a message left to herself, he tried to find the exact spot where they stopped. All the stones looked kind of similar, and he grew frustrated. He needed something to jog his memory. He looked around willing his eyes to find a clue.

_Oh, over there, close to the water… _

He closed his eyes, retracing the steps he took then. Nothing, nothing, just water tricking over the rocks. Resigned, he decided to at least have a sip to refresh before he moved on. He came up to the stream and kneeled, leaning over to scoop some water with his palm.

_This, that was it – he fed her water like that. He sat on the nearby rock_. Now the memory came alive: her expression, her looking at him just so…

He noticed a faded petroglyph on a rounded boulder. It was definitely engraved by a human hand. He looked closely. Gasping in surprise, not believing his eyes, he traced his fingers along the groves. There was no mistake, the carving said _Young + Eun Soo_, circled with a heart shape. The same one she did by his fishing shack when they went on a date.

_Imja, thank you, thank you!_ She sent him a message. _How did she know he would pass here?_ In gratitude, he kissed the stone. Looking up to the sky, he called, "Are you there? I'm here, I'll be waiting."

He arrived at the Heaven's gate by the next day. Standing next to the portal, he was at peace. He turned around and walked toward the nearby field, stopping at a tree. There were yellow flowers all around it, welcoming him. He sat down on a thick root sticking out from the ground. He was resolute to wait here; he realized that for him it was not the destination, but the journey that mattered. As long as he kept going toward her, her road to him would shorten with each step he took.


	4. Chapter 4

My Doctor

Choi Young was injured. The battle was coming to an end and his army advanced over the enemy lines. He was at the commanding post, orchestrating a final maneuver, when a stray arrow hit him from the side. He was especially careful not to get hit ever since his personal doctor was no longer there to patch him up. But this time around he was too busy and although reacted, was a second too late. The arrow pierced him just below the clavicle bone, angling toward his heart, tearing through some of the muscles. At first, the sharp sting brought about a quick shock reaction, numbing the pain, so he was able to continue giving the commands.

"General, you are bleeding."

"I know." A painful grin masked with an angry tone.

"Let me call a doctor to tend to the wound."

"Not necessary. I will be fine. Continue with your mission. Make sure to watch out for our flanks; they seem desperate, and might try the last measure attack."

The view of valley beneath him started spinning, and he began to lose consciousness. Fighting, he tried to hold himself up, but with no luck. He was carried out away from the battlefield and left at the make-shift medical tent, where a few doctors were busy patching up injured soldiers.

He blacked out from loss of blood and nagging pain, while the arrow was carefully taken out and the wound disinfected. He felt someone's gentle touch, woman's fingers, lifting him up to put a bandage.

"Imja" an inaudible whisper from his lips. He extended his hand, trying to grip the hand of a person tending to him. "Imja" a bit louder, desperation in his voice.

A thin hand tried to slip out of his grip, barely pulling the sleeve away. He struggled to open heavy lids, drugged and groggy. He could not make out the face, but it was not his Imja, he was mistaken. He forcefully pushed the hand that continued to try to bandage him away, and lifted up slightly, groaning and woozy. "_Do not touch me_! Only High Doctor can touch me!"

Scared black eyes stared at him. He could see the face now, a young girl, barely seventeen or so of age, petite and dark skinned, was standing right next to him, facing him directly due to her small height.

"I'm sorry, I do not understand. I was asked to take care of your injury, please forgive me, General," deep bow, full of fear and respect, she did not lift her head.

"Where is High Doctor?" Frantically looking around, he appeared to be confused, "Where am I? Who are you?"

"My name is Go Jin Ah, General. I am a trainee from the royal medical clinic. I specialize in battle wounds. I do not know of anyone called High Doctor. You were injured, lost a lot of blood and were unconscious for a while. You are at the field clinic. You were brought here by a young soldier. If I did something wrong, please, let me fix it. I do not want to get in trouble."

He remembered instances when wounded soldiers acted as if they were from a different reality, calling out for loved ones, seeing a face that was not there. Usually it was the result of physical and emotional exhaustion as well as the shock from the injury. Apparently, his body still remembered the times when Eun Soo was treating him… Ever since nobody ever touched him again, Deo Gi not counting (she was like a little sister to him) and sometimes Dae Man (the rascal never left him alone). He steered away from the medical clinic and did not know any new people who worked there. He felt embarrassed to show weakness and confusion in front of this child, but also bad for being harsh on her.

"You did well, good job. You may go."

She backed out, still bowing respectfully, only to stick her head in through the opening in the tent, watching him.

"Go, go," he waved at her in annoyance.

"I was instructed to watch over you. I will be out here, if you need anything, please call."

_How can he mistake Eun Soo's touch for this woman's, not even a woman, this child's! Did he forget her? Does it mean that despite his earnest effort to hold onto every memory, some are failing?_

Lying on the cot, in desperation, he was searching for reassurance that it did not mean anything. At last, a comforting logical thought. _I just miss her. She was the one to take care of me, whenever I was hurt, she appeared like magic, ready to 'doctor' me. I did not forget, I remember, that's why_. Sigh of relief left his lungs and he was able to close his eyes for a much needed rest.

A cup of water and some medicine were next to him on a small table; he looked around once he woke up and did not see anyone. He sat up, drinking bitter medicine, washing it down with water. He heard whispers outside. Choi Young saw two shades on the side of the tent, one of a girl and another familiar shape, Dae Man.

"Dae Man."

"Yes, General," the boy as swift as ever appeared in front of him.

"What are you doing here?"

"Delivering a report. We took over the valley. The enemy retreated and the commanders are setting up posts to maintain the territory." He swallowed and stuttered at the next few simple words, "Ar-rre yyy - you all rrr-ight?"

"Of course, I'm alive, aren't I? Just a scratch."

"I was talking to the girl who is your" the boy giggled, "caretaker."

"What's so funny?"

"It's just funny, that's all," he blushed, glancing at the shadow still patiently waiting outside. "She told me about your injury, according to the doctor, you have to rest for at least two more days. She will be back to check if it's infected. I will go, if you do not need me anymore." Turning away hesitantly, the boy was not in a rush; he wanted to be of help and stay by the General's side. He rarely had a chance to be so useful to him lately.

"Wait… I want you to stay and assist the girl. In fact, I want you to get instructions from her about what to do…"

The boy flashed a happy smile, with eager readiness he stepped out to discuss this arrangement with the young caretaker.

Choi Young could not tell anyone that he loathed the idea of somebody else touching him. He wished he could confide in someone about the heavy burden he carried. Dae Man was loyal, like family, but he wished he had a friend of his own age or maturity level to talk to. He thought of the King. The King would understand, but their friendship although more intimate, than others could have noticed, did not allow much for heart to heart talks, not for a while.

The first time they spoke about High Doctor's absence was when he returned alone from the Heaven's gate. The King offered Choi Young, who looked sorrowful with his shoulders hunched and darkness behind his eyes, a drink. Gongmin was openly showing his emotions, talking in a warm and concerned tone. The King said that he understood what High Doctor meant to the General and that he was sorry for all the times when he was not more supportive when the General asked to save her.

Young was still reeling from the loss, trying to find his bearings. He was sitting with his head down, still trying to hold respectful posture and show appropriate decorum. The King got up from his seat, came up to the General and put a hand on his shoulder, "My friend, I'm truly sorry. If I could take back… If I were a better friend to you, instead of a king… I owe my personal happiness to you and to High Doctor. If not for both of you, I would not have my Queen by my side. I'm forever indebted to you."

Choi Young looked at the King with eyes full of gratitude, "Cho-na, I will hold your words close to my heart."

"Can I call you by your name, just once?"

"Yes, Cho-na."

"Young, if you ever need a friend to talk to about High Doctor, day or night, I'd like you to come to me."

The King would understand, the Queen would understand, hell, others who have ever seen him with Eun Soo, would understand. Still he was completely alone in this.

Choi Young took out a calendar he created to track time, marking off today four hundred and three days since Eun Soo's disappearance.

Dae Man came in with the girl. She shyly got up on her toes to reach the young man's ear, giving him instructions. Choi Young could not help, but smile, looking at Dae Man's expression, he obviously felt embarrassed, but enjoyed it, yet he did not know how to react. The boy tried to move away, but the girl persisted.

"Dae Man, make sure to learn, she seems like a good teacher," the General smirked in his direction.

After Dae Man had completed the procedure, the girl quickly left, glancing back just before she exited the tent. Dae Man stayed behind looking up with puppy eyes at his commander.

"What is it?"

Stuttering and uncomfortably twisting in his spot, young Woodalchi asked, "What should I do?"

"Ha?"

"The girl. What should I do? I mean, the General wants me to learn from her. For how long? Should I follow her? Should I wait till she comes back?" His eyes were pleading for advice.

Looking at Dae Man, Choi Young saw himself in this young soldier when he first started to fall in love with Imja. Knowingly smiling, without beating around the bush he confirmed, "Do you like this girl? Do you want me to tell you what to do?"

"No, no…" he was stuttering more than usual. "I – I – I ju-ss—ttt…"

"Slow down, breathe. Look, I'm not an expert. There are plenty of guys you can ask."

"General, but you and High Doctor, you looked like you both liked each other very much. You looked happy together. And she waited for you all the time to come home…" he realized he spoke before thinking, the boy was crossing the line, which he knew he should not have. To his surprise, he did not get hit, screamed at, thrown out or even worse, banished from the General's side forever.

"Thank you." Choi Young's response surprised the boy.

"I have not heard anyone to actually say it like that. There was _us_, not just me or just her, but _us_. Everybody is tiptoeing around me, as if I can break easily; it is irritating. You are the only one who has the guts or… maybe, you are just too young to know… Do you want me to tell you something? Sit."

Dae Man did not believe his ears, he was invited to have a conversation with the General as an equal, or kind of like an equal.

Choi Young made himself comfortable and began his story. He told Dae Man about the first time he saw Eun Soo and how after kidnapping her, he made a promise to return her home. Dae Man was nodding, getting excited about the story, as he witnessed many of the moments between High Doctor and the General. The way General spoke, the warmth and the cadence in his voice, when he described his journey with that woman was very different from the commander everyone observed. He was soft and pensive, a smile would lighten his face as a loving feeling would shine through his eyes. The story was honest and direct, like the General himself.

"Dae Man, you are right, I really liked High Doctor and she really liked me, we liked each other so much that she was willing to stay with me instead of returning to the Heaven's world."

He paused, gathering his thoughts before speaking next, "Look, I am not sure how to help you with this girl. She seems nice, by the way. High Doctor was not a usual woman, she came from a different world, but I can tell you she liked it when I bought her pretty things or went on walks with her. She also liked when I complimented her and listened attentively to what she had to say. If you can find out what this girl likes, then use it. Don't go around her smelling of blood. Clean yourself first, and…" he remembered something important, "you have to treat her with respect and share with her about things you do or what you think about." He sighed, "I wish she would be here, she could tell you all about women." Sadness moved across his face, as if he returned to his current reality after this brief excursion to the past.

"Dae Man, it took me a while to understand it, but if you meet someone you like, do not waste your time wondering why, just follow your heart. If she is the one for you, then don't make yourself regret not trying your best later. Just be yourself. You are a good man. I know very little about women, but I know this much, if she likes you because of who you are, then you cannot ask for anything more. Be grateful. Good luck."

Silence ensued. The wiser man who knew about love had finished, and the young man who just started to learn about it was taking it all in.

The boy responded after a long pause, "Daejang… I miss her, too. High Doctor. I know you are waiting for her. I know the truth about you waiting for her by the tree. I promise I will not tell the others! I believe she will come back. Yes, that's what I think. And you will be happy again."


	5. Chapter 5

Believing Unconditionally

They were all sitting around the campfire, new recruits and seasoned Woodalchi alike. Everybody was equal in the night, only flickers of the light from fire highlighted faces here and there. The recruits were tasked with making dinner at a separate fire pit, while the seniors sat around lounging and drinking aged rice wine which the General generously allowed to bring for this camping trip.

It was the end of the training round. Everybody was exhausted from exercises and grueling marathon of mock battles and fighting bouts. Choi Young and his right hand, Vice General Bae Choong Seok were sitting in the very first circle, closest to the fire, as a sign of respect. They exchanged a few phrases, content with the outcome of the training, briefly discussing the next step upon arrival to the compound.

New recruits huddled together, as they started building relationships of trust, which were essential for their successful service.

"Dinner is ready!" Was announced. Soup with the fresh catch of the day, a roasted wild boar for meat, purple rice, steamed in a ceramic pot, and side dishes of pickled vegetables and spices. Everything smelled wonderfully. Choi Young yawned and stretched, ready to eat. Every time he did not feel like eating, he remembered his promise to Eun Soo to eat well when she was not around. Tonight was different. He was actually hungry and curious about what kind of cooking skills the young ones brought to the table.

Both commanders were served first and the cooks waited eagerly, literary looking into their mouths. After taking a few bites, Choi Young lazily motioned to others to get their plates, "It's edible." Limited, but complimentary comment was good enough.

The cooks quickly dispersed, friendly slapping each other's backs and carrying on loud, happy conversations after a hard day of work.

"General, is there something you would like the guys to do after dinner? It might be great for the morale to give them a little speech about Woodalchi and what not," Choong Seok inquired.

"I don't know… Maybe, we can do an overnight retreat. Like High Doctor told me about." A smile of memory passed on his face. "It is something people who work together do to be brought closer. They stay up at night, sharing, playing games to get to know each other better. Should we try that, what do you think?"

"Why not?" It was nice to see Choi Young speak comfortably about High Doctor and open up about his feelings like it was acceptable to do. Choong Seok called, "Attention, gather up. The General has something to say."

"Everybody worked hard!" Shouted Choi Young.

"Yey, Hooray," screamed excited soldiers.

"Living together, sleeping together, eating together, fighting together and probably dying together, such is our life as Woodalchi. Look around you… The one you see to your right and the one you see to your left – they will be your right and left hand. Turn around – the one behind you will have your back. These are the people, whom you should trust unconditionally; when your life is on the line during the battle, they will be there for you.

We are going to do an exercise today, so that you get to know your comrades well. Gather around the fire, do not sit next to your friend or next to the person you know…"

The soldiers were following directions, moving around, settling by the fire.

"Now, it is called a _Truth Game_: ask anybody anything you want to know about them. You have to answer honestly, even if it is difficult. Sharing with others is not something we men naturally do, but it can be a powerful bonding experience. Let's begin."

Choi Young set down, looking at his men. They followed his commands unquestionably, even this one. He saw people turning, asking, answering, some of them were joking and laughing, some were serious. He loved these men; they were all he had for family till Eun Soo returned.

A young recruit approach the fire, someone was pushing him from the back. He looked barely seventeen, no facial hair yet, a bit awkward and slim; from what Choi Young remembered, he was particularly good on horseback and possessed talent for archery.

"General, are we allowed to ask you?" Driven by curiosity and probably cajoled by his friends, he appeared anxious to address his commander.

"Yes, I suppose."

"The guys and I, we heard some rumors, we wanted to ask you something."

"Go on."

"We heard that there was a person before, a woman who stayed with you..."

Choong Seok stepped forward, ready to shut down this impudent line of questioning, but Choi Young stopped him with a hand motion, "And?"

"At the palace there are many beautiful women, but nobody ever seen you as much as even look in their direction. Does it mean that you consider them a distraction? Have you ever liked a woman before?" The boy gulped, waiting for something heavy to hit him on the head, his eyes were widened with fear…

"Well, I have." Strangely enough he was not ashamed to admit his feelings. He felt at ease talking to the men because there was nothing wrong with it, after all. As long as one was sure in his heart, true to himself, then it was appropriate. "Two times in my life. Two times I liked somebody. One was a long time ago, when I was about your age. That person died… And the second time; well, I still do."

"Did they like you back?"

"Yes."

"The one you still like now, if she likes you back, then… where is she?"

He chuckled at the boy's simpleminded way of thinking. When a person was that age, everything was black and white, idealism was rampant and one did not bother with the complexities of life.

"Far away in a distant land. She has to travel for a long time. When she comes back, I will introduce her."

"Does it mean you are waiting for her to return? When is she coming back?"

"Who knows..?"

The boy's questions ended as abruptly, as started. Stumbled at this strange response, he bowed and thanked the General for his answers. From the shadows behind him another figure stepped forward. "General, can I ask?"

"How many of you are there? This is the last one. My dinner is getting cold."

"We want to get to know you better. You said it yourself," a junior quickly turned Choi Young's words back on him.

"All right. Then ask wisely."

"What is one thing that you find is true and never changes?"

_This one is bright, brave and arrogant. Maybe, likes to challenge authority, maybe, is just too smart and inquisitive for his own good. I will keep my eye on this one._

"That is a question for scholars, not for me."

"We were told you are the youngest to be promoted to the rank of General, you have fought a lot of battles, stared death in the face countless times. After all these years, what is one thing that keeps you going? Is there anything you believe in unconditionally?" The youngster was a poet at heart; his fiery inquisitiveness was not deterred at all.

"Her." Choi Young answered without a moment's hesitation. "She is the one thing I believe in unconditionally. She is a constant in my life, no matter where she is."

_In her I believe, I believe in us and our future. Unconditionally. She is my life, my love, my past, my present, and my future. She is always with me, even when I am unable to see her, because she is a part of me, as much as my own heart and soul. Kings will come and go, countries collapse, and new ones will rise, stars will change position in the skies, everything will change, but this never will as we are forever bound with the most powerful bond._

"Does anyone else want to hear my answer?" speaking louder, the General got up with a groan, as if he wished he could just sit and not be bothered, but did not have a choice.

The silence ensued.

"When you go into battle prepared to die, if you do not have somebody waiting for you at home, if you do not need desperately to stay alive so that you can come back to them, then you may survive, but you will not truly live. Only having a reason like that for living will keep you alive, will make you fight for your life harder.

Because of the woman I like, I realized that life spent not dying is not life at all. Only life spent living is worth the effort of not dying.

You do not live or die for you king or for your country. You live or die for those you love, in the name of your king and your country. You live your life based on the values of duty and integrity because such life is worth living.

It is not what you do, but who you are that defines you. Remember that!"

He sat and nonchalantly continued finishing up his dinner.

Everybody just stood … and then one after another questions were shouted out:

"Who is that person?

How did you meet?

What is she like?

Will you get married? …"

Choi Young gave a quick nod to Dae Man who was always like his shadow, no matter his increase in rank. Then the General got up and retreated to his tent.

_Imja look, you caused trouble with my men. You are not even here, but you are still causing trouble. What am I going to do without you? I hope you will be back soon, so that they stop bothering me, ah?_


	6. Chapter 6

Missing Her

Choi Young has not been to the royal medical clinic after High Doctor disappeared. He refused to get any checkups especially after the embarrassing fiasco with a young apprentice who tried to treat him for a battle wound. Dae Man proved to be a good student and quickly learned the basics to fix Choi Young's scrapes when it was needed. The King had a _talk_ with the stubborn General about yearly health checkup needed to make sure all the soldiers were fit for duty, hinting that Choi Young also had to be a part of it to "role model". Yet, a stern "No" ended that conversation as quickly as it started. The Queen tried her hand at convincing the General to follow with the King's suggestion, backed by a fuming aunt, who insisted "the punk had no respect for the King's orders." The only person who was able to get through to him was Deo Gi.

They had a familiar ease, having known each other for almost a decade. They also shared a bond of being close to Eun Soo.

She arrived one day to the compound, explaining that she was sent by the King. Although he swore not to have any other woman touch him, in the past Deo Gi was the only one whom Choi Young allowed to treat him. She asked if she could check on the General's overall health and inspect any previous injuries. Deo Gi was like family, so he felt comfortable to be seen alone by her in his room.

She checked his pulse and briefly observed old scars. She gestured that he was good, confirming with a smile. She quickly jotted down a list of prescriptions, mainly for maintenance to keep his energy balanced, as she actually found some emotional troubles affecting him. Choi Young agreed and was relieved that the examination was simple and ended quickly.

Before leaving, Deo Gi glanced around the room, noticing a neatly displayed hairbrush and a few hairpins on a small chest near the bed. She asked whose they were.

Startled, he was forced to bring up Eun Soo, "High Doctor's."

Deo Gi gave him a troubled look. She signed, first pointing at his heart and then to his head, next making a fist and putting it against her heart, circling it, then a strong gesture meaning "_question_"; finally, waiting for his response.

He pretended not to understand, although all too well it was clear: "_How is your heart? How is your mind? Are you OK?" _

Deo Gi as usual, pulled him back for attention to repeat her questions, only to add a sign at the end, "_I miss her._"

He answered, "Me too, I miss her a lot. My heart and my mind are fine and I'm strong and healthy. You said it yourself."

Deo Gi shook her head in disbelief. Whenever she got exasperated, her gestures got more frantic, as if she was shouting with her hands. She was vigorously signing, and Choi Young could not make out all the words.

"Slow down, please. I do not understand. Ah, you want to write it down for me?" He took out the writing implements from the desk drawer. She worked on it for a few minutes and handed it to him forcefully.

"Read," she signed.

_'I can tell by examining you that you are troubled. It is all an act to appear strong_._'_

"I'm not acting," he protested.

She just flung her arms up in frustration and motioned, "_Good Bye_."

"Bye. Thank you. I hope the report to the king will be favorable."

Deo Gi did not finish listening; she has already turned around leaving the room and could not see that he was talking.

_What is wrong with her?_ He wondered.

The Right Time

Deo Gi was now a master herbalist. She had her own wing at the clinic and had a bunch of students, who followed her around like ducklings. She was busy and well respected.

Dae Man heed the General's advice and had been courting dark-skinned beauty Go Jin Ah ever since Choi Young accidently aided in their meeting a couple of years ago. He was a frequent visitor at the clinic and knew of all the latest happenings. His young lady in turn shared with Deo Gi, who was a mentor to many newcomers, about Woodalchi and, of course, Dae Man's favorite person, the General. Aunt Choi was also an invaluable source of information on him.

From what Deo Gi gathered, Choi Young was faithfully waiting for High Doctor's return. Periodically, he would mysteriously leave and return, not discussing with anybody why and where he went. Jin Ah suspected that Dae Man knew, but he never disclosed anything to her. The girl only noticed that Choi Young's returns correlated with Dae Man acting extremely attentive toward her, while trying to cheer up the General at any opportunity.

Lady Choi was the first one to express worry about Choi Young's health due to his "_love sick heart_" and wanted to see if there were some herbs Deo Gi could give him to ease the "_ache_". After the checkup Deo Gi saw this for herself.

Obviously, he was not fine. It was a while, since High Doctor had disappeared. Deo Gi witnessed their special relationship and came to appreciate how much they cared about each other. She decided that there was no need to wait any longer.

A couple of days passed. Uninvited, Deo Gi showed up at the General's door. She brought a note with her and handed it to him.

"Did you write it?"

She nodded "_yes_" and motioned to read: _'I think it is time. I have something for you. Please wait here_.'

"Time for what? Where are you going?"

Deo Gi pointed to High Doctor's things she saw last time with a poignant expression and exited the room.

Choi Young was thoroughly confused. It was not like her to be so mysterious. Was it some kind of medicine that she did not want him to find out about before? Why was she pointing to Eun Soo's things? He could not figure out anything. So he decided to wait.

Impatiently tapping his foot, he glanced around the room for any other clues of Eun Soo's invisible presence. He kept all of her clothes and personal belongings exactly where she left them last time. Periodically, he would make sure that everything was clean and fresh for her to be ready whenever she returned. He thought about material things: how much and how little they were worth depended on the meaning attached to them. A comb that he used to brush her hair that horrible day before she attempted a dangerous cure, it was a very precious possession; while a lavishly decorated box, containing various awards and recognitions for his service, was collecting dust under the clothing chest. And of course, the aspirin bottle, the most precious artifact of them all. He pulled it out. A trusted companion, always giving him strength, just looking at it made it all better, made her more real.

Deo Gi entered the room quietly. The General was lost in thought, staring at a small object in his hand. She tapped his shoulder; he looked up unsurprised, as he heard her steps. Deo Gi handed him a small box, the type where women keep jewelry or small cosmetic items.

"What is it? Is it for me?" he asked.

She confirmed. She also handed him a carefully folded paper and encouraged him to read it.

Young looked, and the first thing jumped out at him, a distinct signature in the corner _'Yoo Eun Soo'_. He practically dropped the paper in disbelief. Astounded and baffled, he looked at Deo Gi. "Where did you get this? Tell me, tell me right away!" he grabbed her with a shaking hand, begging for an answer with his pleading eyes.

Deo Gi tried to pull her hand back, but he took a firm hold of her. "Why is Imja's name here? I know these symbols, she showed them to me before. This is Heavens language! Just tell me!"

Deo Gi looked frightened at his emotional attack and tried to free her arm once again, unlocking his fingers. Choi Young finally came to his senses and let go. Deo Gi signed "High Doctor" and pointed to the letter. As he unfolded it and glanced over he noticed that the text was in Deo Gi's handwriting and in Chinese characters.

"Why are you writing me a letter, why do you have a paper with Imja's name?"

"Read, read," kept repeating the sign Deo Gi.

'_My dearest Choi Young._

_I prepared this in case I'm not by your side, and you are having a hard time. You will never admit it to others, but those who care about you may notice, anyway._

_There are two possibilities now. I may no longer be of this world if Doctor Jang Bin's treatment does not work. Or I have survived, but was not able to stay with you and traveled to a different time through the Heaven's door. Either way, you miss me. _

_Don't be too sad; don't waste your life, like we talked before. If I'm gone, remember me fondly. If I'm alive, and I hope that this is the case, I'm sure that at this time I'm doing everything humanly possible to find my way to you._

_I want you to know that my faith is strong and my will is unwavering. You know how persistent and stubborn I am! I do not change my mind, and I have decided to stay with you. So if I have not returned yet, it just means that I got lost a little._

_You are my life, Daejang. If you are still waiting for me, a little trinket of mine might cheer you up. It helped me to find the message I was sending myself last time._

_I hope its sound will send you a message from me: I love you, my Choi Young._

_I asked Deo Gi to assist me with passing this to you, trusting in that she would know when you needed it the most. Please do not be mad with her if this does not find you sooner._

_Yours, always,_

_Yoo Eun Soo_.'

Tears were running down his cheeks, salty droplets falling down on the letter, ink running on the paper. He hung his head, holding it with both hands, unable to do anything about this flood of emotions. Was it gratitude, shock, amazement, surprise or was it something else altogether?

"Imja, Imja", inaudibly, his dried lips were calling. Swallowing tears, he was not ashamed to show his feelings.

Deo Gi wanted to hug him, but it was not appropriate, so she came closer and covered his hand with the palm of her hand. He did not move away, still crying softly, feeling very humbled by Eun Soo's kind love. So, back then she suspected she might not be here. Even at the time she was prepared to die she thought about him first. Why is he so special? Why was it that everything she ever did was for him? How can he ever repay this woman for taking care of him even when she is not around? These loving gestures, all of them to prepare him for the inevitable.

_Loving her is an honor, waiting for her is living._

Deo Gi could not communicate without eye contact. She squatted in front of the crying man, hesitantly searching his eyes. Choi Young briefly looked up, "Bya-ne, Deo Gi. Thank you."

She pointed to the box, pushing him to open it. He lifted the lid to find a tiny hair tie in a shape of a bell. When he took it out, it gave off a light ring, a tinkle. Her laughter, her eyes, her smile, her voice, this little thing conveyed everything. She indeed wore it during the trip. He even made fun of her that she could not run away because he would find her by the sound of the bell…

Choi Young attached the tiny bell to a cord and hung it around his neck. Maybe, now it would be a little easier for her to find him.


	7. Chapter 7

A Gentler Side of Choi Young

It was one of those days… He just returned from the _Tree of Hope_. This is how he named a place where he waited for Eun Soo to return. Alone. Again. It was a sour feeling, the kind that squished one's insides in an unpleasant spasm. Even if he were surrounded by hundreds of people now, he would still be lonely. Without her.

He entered the compound late; passing by the guards, he mechanically checked their positions and gave himself a mental note to change the spacing and placement on a couple of posts. The path was dimly lit, but every soldier on duty immediately recognized his tall figure with distinct stride and respectfully bowed and hailed the General as he moved toward the building. Choi Young stopped for a while at the downstairs meeting room, looking around the large empty space, as if hoping to find something comforting here.

He noticed a young Woodalchi sleeping on a side bench. The site brought back the memory of the day when he first arrived as a newly appointed General. He immediately landed on the same bench… Now he had love, respect and loyalty of all his subordinates, back then he was just a half-dead man, sleeping his life away, and arrogant at that.

He quietly came up to the soldier, looking at his innocent face. _A sleeping boy, if you take the uniform away._ He had a smile on his face, probably immersed in a nice dream. Carefully, Choi Young picked up a blanket, covering the soldier. He felt almost a fatherly love toward his guys, especially younger ones. He turned to walk away and heard rustling as the sleepy soldier moved. Seeing his commander next to him, Woodalchi jumped and stumbled, body still groggy, almost falling off the bench, "General, sir." Choi Young extended a hand to steady him, but to spare the boy embarrassment, pretended that it was to fix the shoulder pads of his armor.

"At ease."

"Sorry, sir. I must have fallen asleep here."

"It is OK. The training can get tiring. Why don't you head out to the sleeping quarters?"

Choi Young walked away, thinking about how much he changed because of _her_. The gentle side of him started showing up more and more lately, even with Woodalchi, as if he needed to direct it somewhere without a woman by his side. He had to keep up an image; he should not be soft around them, but with the passage of time he grew more emotional and sentimental, the warmth he always carried in his heart was a big part of him and it needed an outlet.

Meanwhile, the soldier noticed a blanket. He picked it up, quizzically, then looking at the back of the walking away General, he realized in surprise where it came from. He grabbed the coverlet and ran to his room to brag about how the General liked him and even gave him a blanket…

Choi Young went through the regular motions after getting inside the room: the sword was placed in the holder on the wall, a small bag with travel essentials - on a chair. He came over to his bed, sitting down and taking the shoes off; he was getting ready to retire for the night, when a long sigh escaped him. _Another day gone._ He pulled out the calendar he carried with him faithfully, looking at all the days marked off.

Was there something he could do to pinpoint the time of her return? Maybe, to talk to an astronomer. Eun Soo talked about the sun flares and some theories, maybe a scientist would know something. He felt like he had to take some action to have more certainty. Actually, he had certainty. He just did not have anything concrete.

He started with devastation, turmoil, anger, loss, frustration and helplessness, moving toward sadness and acceptance. Right now he was in status quo, a standstill of a sort. He was completely used to the idea that one day sometime in the future, whether it would be tomorrow or years from now, he would reunite with Eun Soo. There were times when it felt like it would be soon and there were times, like today, when that future seemed too far away.

There were subtle changes in his attitude in the things that he paid attention to or noticed. Like the other day, he was walking through the market, which always reminded him of Eun Soo and the shopping she enjoyed so much. Choi Young inadvertently looked at pretty things, things that he could get for her. He paused by a stall selling a multitude of knives. This was where he purchased a red-handled dagger for her. At the next stall he also looked at a pretty hairpin, imagining how it would look in her hair. Pretty soon, he found himself buying a sweet bun she liked last time, tasting it as if it brought him closer to her.

The lady selling the bun was holding a baby. The baby looked like it was a few months old and was fussy, making the mother frustrated in her task to manage the stall and look after the baby at the same time. But when Choi Young approached, the baby calmed down and stretched the arms out, as if asking to be held, smiling at the warrior. The lady, happy with the diversion, offered to give a discount if he played with the baby.

"No, no," protested Choi Young. But it was too late, the lady handed the baby over, which made it very awkward for him; who pushes a baby away? "I cannot hold him and my sword, sorry."

The lady did not even wink. "Put it down here." She showed him a space behind the stall. "It will be safe there."

Stiff and terrified to hurt a small, nicely smelling soft bundle, Choi Young held out his hands like a tray.

"No, no, like that." The lady repositioned his arms, helping him cradle baby's head and pressing it against the General's body. Baby joyfully babbled, making cute smacking sounds, and with his tiny fingers touched Choi Young's mustache. That seemed really funny and the baby giggled, pulling on the General's ear.

To his own surprise, Choi Young did not mind the little bugger. He actually quite enjoyed it. Making funny faces, rounding cheeks to make popping sounds and letting the baby take a hold of his finger, serious General was all smiles, responding in cute baby talk. Some passerby looked at him, giving approving nods, and a few women even stopped to comment on how good he was with a baby. Long forgotten were sadness and troubles, worry and frustration, his mind was relaxed, and Choi Young was happily immersed in the present moment.

The armor appealed to the baby as well, with its tactile relief to explore and a shine that attracted the eyes. Choi Young asked what the baby's name was.

"It is Yeon-Su."

Only now he realized this was not a _he_, but a girl. How silly he was not to notice the difference. _I guess it serves me right never to be around babies… It almost sounded like Eun Soo._ A tang in his heart was soothed by a warm clump cuddled on his chest, playing with the long sleeve, tugging on it with her mouth. After a few more minutes, he returned the baby to her Mom, receiving a gift of free buns wrapped in a cloth. "Please enjoy it with your family."

"I do not have one," he answered somberly.

"Really? You seem like a natural with kids. Hurry up and have one." Common people did not have any qualms about speaking directly and in banmal.

_I would like to have children. With Eun Soo. I would. _

The encounter left him in emotional disarray. Children, family, simple happiness; all the things he did not allow himself to dream about for now, deep inside he really wanted, he was ready for them, but he needed Eun Soo and without her none of it was possible.

Falling asleep he imagined her next to him...


	8. Chapter 8

Anger

The King summoned the General for a private meeting. "How have you been?" He proceeded carefully, "It has been almost five years since High Doctor went away."

"I'm fine, Cho-na, thank you for asking."

"I presume you are waiting for her return. It has been very hard on you, hasn't it?"

"Cho-na does not need to worry about me. You keep me busy enough to help pass the time," he joked, wishing to move the conversation to a less touchy subject.

"I'm worried about your heart. You are very precious to me, Choi Young. And to the Queen. She sends her regards." The King suspected that the easy dismissal was just a cover for his chronic heartache.

"Thank you. I appreciate both of your concerns." He repeated, "Still, I'm fine. What is that you wanted to talk to me about?"

The King sighed and looked quite serious. "There is this matter. I already know your answer, but I have to address it. We need to come up with the solution. Do not be angry. Please sit."

"I'm fine standing."

"No, you need to sit down for this one."

The General felt uneasy, it was never a good start of a conversation, when the King insisted on sitting down.

"I am building new alliances, you know the politics of it. The Queen has a very influential relative. He sympathizes with our situation and has offered support on a few occasions. He sent one of his daughters to become a court lady and accompany the Queen. The Queen took a liking to her…"

Young looked impatient. He did not know where the conversation was going or how it related to him. He was combing through various possibilities in his head, and came up with nothing. "Cho-na, is it a military matter? I have long been removed from politics. It is something that a king does. Remember our agreement?"

"It is more of a sensitive matter. This girl is new to the palace and does not know much. She is young and impressionable…"

Young felt a pang of discomfort, not liking the direction the conversation was taking.

"Yesterday she confided in the Queen that she liked you and asked to arrange for a marriage proposal."

Choi Young began laughing loudly, earnestly; in fact, he could not remember when he was laughing so hard last time. The King had a fierce sense of humor.

Only the King was not laughing with him. Gongmin looked torn, always showing his emotions openly in front of his old friend. He apologized again, citing the need to discuss this matter urgently, as the Queen was very distraught last night and wanted to speak with the General herself.

"Cho-na, of course this is preposterous. I am not even going to entertain the idea. You know that. So I will take my leave and you can figure out a politically correct way to gracefully decline. OK?" He got up ready to depart.

"Wait, I'm not done," the King got up nervously.

"But _I AM_," he replied in a very firm tone. This has gone a little too far, and was not funny at all any longer. Choi Young was angry beyond reason. How can the King who knew better than anyone what High Doctor meant to him bring up this ridiculous topic! He glared angrily, grabbed his sword, and walked away from the King, not even using proper decorum.

"General. Choi Young. Stop immediately. It's an order!"

He did not care; anger consumed him. He rushed out of the palace building, feeling stifled. Looking around he saw walls and walls everywhere, closing onto him, and prying eyes watching him from every corner. This place was not safe. At first slowly, then faster, clutching his sword, he started running. He ran toward the pagoda, where he usually went when he needed Eun Soo the most. Hiding in the shade of the structure, he found a corner that discretely protected him from the onlookers and prevented anyone from finding him.

He started his usual daily conversation with her: _Can you believe his audacity? Me? Getting married? Even if I wait for you for eternity, it's up to me. Nobody's business. How dare does he insult me like this? Just because he is a king! Ahhh, I'm so angry._ He took a few deep breaths. _I hate feeling like this. I miss you every waking moment; every night when I fall asleep, I dream of you. _

He took another deep breath, exhaling with, _I need you so much! _Looking at an empty spot next to him he continued,_ These have been the longest four years of my life. Without you, each year seems like ten. Imja, if you were here right now, you would find a way to comfort me… what would you say?_

Imagining her sitting beside him, head on his shoulder, she would probably urge him to hear out the King; maybe even speak with the Queen.

He heard commotion nearby, guards and warrior maidens frantically searching the garden. He quietly retreated further into the shadows, when heard a familiar voice of his aunt, calling him, "I know you are here. How old are you to act like that? You cannot hide forever."

Frustrated, he showed himself.

"Look what you have done! Everybody is running around like crazy looking for you. The King is upset, the Queen is distressed. Have you lost your mind, walking out on the King?! You can end up in prison or worse!"

"I don't care," he announced through his teeth. Young turned to her, his eyes desperate, "Aunt, I needed some space. I was too angry, I did not want to say or do something that I would regret later. I needed time to think."

"Well, do you want to tell me?"

"No, it's not even worth mentioning, that's how stupid it is."

"Humor me. Is it about High Doctor?"

He looked at her with surprise and worry, "How did you..?"

"Why else would you act like a lunatic? Anyway, stop pouting like a child, running away will not solve this marriage issue."

"You know already? Who else knows?"

"Nobody, just me. I know everything, remember?" she smirked, satisfied with her argument.

"I will not do it," calm and unwavering, his usual self returning.

"Nobody is asking you to."

"What?" This drew his attention. "Then what is it?"

"Talk to the King. Go. Apologize." She smacked him on the back of the head, like he was still a kid.

"Aaauunt, stop it. What if somebody sees?"

"Too bad for you then," she smiled with the corners of her eyes and walked away.

Still angry and now also confused, Choi Young marched back into the King's office. Gongmin looked upset, waiting for the General to speak first.

"Cho-na, I could not control my temper, I apologize for offending you", he expressed his regret in a respectful manner, no extra formalities.

"For a man who is so controlled, you sure can lose your temper!" King was back to his usual sarcastic self and comfortable around Choi Young. "You are such a hothead!"

"Cho-na, you mentioned there is a solution, please tell me."

"Are you ready to listen now or are you going to storm out again?" The King needed to make a point; after all, he could not have his General behave like a rebellious teenager.

Truthfully, Choi Young did not want to let go of his anger. Despite everything, even after they pledged to stay together, she still disappeared. He realized that during all this time he did not really allow himself to consider that she might not come back soon or ever. This indefinite separation without any guarantee of her return, besides his firm faith, this harsh reality finally broke through the impenetrable walls of his denial, he had carefully constructed to protect himself. No once did he think of what it would be like ten or twenty years from now, if she did not return. _Who will continue his bloodline? What would his father say if he knew?_ It was a scary thought.

The longer he waited, the stronger his faith grew. But today, he got shaken. _What if because of this she will not find her way to me?_

"Cho-na, I'm listening."

"From the beginning, I never assumed that you would be interested in a marriage proposal. If you had only given me a chance to explain. If you are absolutely sure that you would not change your mind some time later…"

"I'm sure, Cho-na. High Doctor is the only one in my heart, now and forever."

"Very well then. I wanted to offer you royal protection against future nuisances like that." He called out, "Do Chi, we are ready for you."

Do Chi entered, carrying a red scroll, signifying a royal decree. He presented it to Choi Young, and bowed out.

"Please, see for yourself. Let me know if it is not to your liking."

The General opened up the scroll, reading. His eyes at first became big with surprise and then softened right away with gratitude and relief.

"It is perfect, Cho-na. I could not ask for more. This makes it so that nobody else will be confused about my status."

"I'm glad you like it." Softly smiling, the King was content. "It will be included in the annals; I will make sure that it reflects that the marriage is official as of the time when High Doctor was still here." He paused, "When she returns, I assume it would not cause a problem that it was done without her consent."

"I'll make sure she will accept your kindness gracefully," without doubt exclaimed Choi Young. He added, "I'm sorry about the young lady. I hope she will find a more suitable prospect."

"Please stop by the Queen's palace. She wanted a word with you. Do not worry, she is fully aware of the royal decree."

"Yes, Cho-na."

The scroll read:

_This royal decree issued to ascertain the status of the Commanding General of the Royal Army and Woodalchi General, honorable Choi Young, as a married man; therefore, not available for any further marriage offers. He is joined in a sacred union with Yoo Eun Soo as a man and wife. Due to the matters of palace security, this marriage was not publicly announced at the time of their matrimony and is to be presented officially only at the time of the General's choosing._

_Signed by His Royal Highness King Gongmin._

_Sealed by the official Goryeo stamp._

The heavy weight was lifted off his heart. One less problem to worry about before his wife… Saying those words, even in his mind, was new and pleasant. "My wife," he said slowly out loud, listening to the sound of the words rolling of his tongue. He felt shy at the thought that his private matter would be revealed to others, especially because being open about his relationship might not be such a good idea, but for now it was something that gave him extra strength: he was free to openly wait for her return, fully prepared to offer her an official place of his wife, ordered and blessed by the King himself.

Choi Young hurried to the Queen's quarters. The Queen was as lovely and warm toward the General as usual.

"I heard from Cho-na that you were given an official decree of your marriage to High Doctor. I have prepared something for that occasion." The servants brought out a dowry chest. "I carefully picked all the contents myself. She does not have family here, so I wanted to give her this with my sincere heart."

Choi Young was touched by this gesture, but this whole set up seemed surreal. The King created the decree just for practical convenience, he thought at first. The marriage existed only on a piece of parchment. Although he always viewed Imja as his other half, they did not have an official ceremony yet. So why was the Queen doing this all of a sudden?

"My Queen, how can I accept it? She is not even here…"

"Not _yet_," she reached out to his hand, pressing it softly, "But _when_ she returns, if she would like it, we can have a ceremony. I want to give her a wedding dress." A girl approached holding a gorgeous flowing gown. "Here it is."

It was wonderful and painful at the same time, as he could easily imagine how pretty Eun Soo would look in this dress. "I'm sure she would love it, My Queen."

"General, she told me that day in the gardens when we were all together," Queen's eyes swelled with tears. "She said that she loved you. She used this word _sarang_; she explained it to me once, the Heaven's word. But she did not believe you would have been interested to hear it. I think that because of that _sarang_ she will be back. That word was powerful."

Choi Young felt a wave of emotions coming up to his throat, he swallowed hard, fearing that he might also show tears, if allowed himself to feel the depth of what he just heard. He thanked the Queen and quickly asked to be excused.

His mind was unsettled by the today's events. He preferred not to think in concrete terms about their future together, but today the acknowledgment of the royal couple, their faith in the fact that his dreams would actually come to pass affected him in a way that he could not have predicted.

The dowry chest was delivered and the curious Woodalchi questioned the maidens about the contents without any luck. They decided not to bother the General with questions and simply brought it up to his room, asking where to put it.

He did not want to see what's inside; Eun Soo should be the one to open it. He pushed it to the farthest wall and put a cloth over it for safekeeping.

He crashed on the bed, emotionally drained. Of course, waiting was hard on him. He was almost brought to tears by the Queen's words.

_My Imja… she is so brave, she always speaks her mind! _

He felt his eyes watering again. In the privacy of his room, he allowed himself to feel this complex combination of hope, love, fear, sadness, frustration, anger, longing, excitement and many others feelings hitting him directly in his heart. A few restrained tears slid down his cheeks, and he closed his eyes, covering them with his arm. Eun Soo's smell long disappeared from the pillow and from the sheets, but he was searching for something that would give him a tangible sense of her. Lifting up, he looked around the room and found it, the aspirin bottle. The flower was still there, dried, there was only one pill left. He held the bottle to his eyes, thinking of her.

_Imja, I wonder if you would like to have a wedding. I wonder what kind of weddings they have in Heaven? Should we have one like that?_ He carefully placed the bottle next to him on a pillow. "Good night."


	9. 85

Shame

Choi Young was standing under the rain; he threw his head back, exposing his face to the beating of harsh streams, his mouth open, gulping the water droplets, his arms opened up to the sides, his whole body trying to take in as much of the heavens punishment as he deserved. The powerful flow completely drenched him and he felt the steely cold in the bones. The wind took part in this uniquely arranged self-retribution, whipping him from every direction as Choi Young was turning his face toward the violent gusts. He felt like the nature was too kind to him and needed to inflict more pain on his tortured soul.

_I do not deserve her. How am I ever going to face her again_? These suffocating words kept running on a loop in his head. He had done something that he could not even talk about, he could never share with anyone, and he wished to erase the last twenty four hours completely from his life, he wished, but he could not.

"General, please," a voice implored him.

"Stay away, if you do not want to taste my sword," growled Choi Young.

"Please, please forgive, I will do anything!"

"Stay out of my sight, I mean it!" Coldly and with disgust, snarly dictated the man, without looking at the person begging for his forgiveness.

Engulfed by unending lamentation, the General shut out everyone around him. Frozen in the state of shock and self-contempt, he stood for hours at a the same spot of his chosen torture ground.

He blamed Dae Man; he blamed the boy, but he was the one guilty of poor judgment. He was the one who had to live with the stain of shame forever tattooed in scarlet on his soul. He slept with another woman!

Actually, he slept in the same bed with a woman. Although he did not engage in any carnal acts with her, the fact remained undisputed – this morning he woke up in bed with a woman by his side, a woman who was trying to do unspeakable things to his body…

. . .

The night before for the first time in years he allowed himself to get drunk. It all started rather innocently. He was getting into one of those moods, a slump of a sort that usually occurred after he would come back home empty handed after the trip to the _Tree of Hope_. Despite his best efforts to always stay positive, he could not lie to himself, it was devastating.

Each day the wait weighed more and more heavily on him. He put on a brave front for himself and for her. Yet, for the last week, he was not able to sleep at all. He would try to exhaust himself physically and mentally till the moon was at the high point in the sky, till all the sounds in the compound died out, only a lone howl of a dog would break the silent night. He tried to take a hot bath, remembering that Eun Soo once mentioned that it was supposed to be relaxing and induce better sleep: nothing. He drank relaxing chamomile tea, prescribed by Deo Gi for such an occasion: nothing. He lay in bed wide awake, eyes tired from the day, filled with dry tears of sorrow. "Imja, where are you? I need you now more than ever," he would whisper in the empty space with nobody to comfort him.

He did not understand why this insomnia descended on him so suddenly. He would ruminate on the memories of the past, both pleasant and painful, all of them including Eun Soo. He tried to think about something else or somebody else, but to no avail. She possessed his mind and would not let go. He had a visceral feeling that a part of him was missing, as if a cut off limb was still aching like it was there; the phantom pain. He would press on his heart and hold his throat to muffle anguish screams that tried to break out. He did not know how to cope any longer. It was about four years now. _Four already, and how many more to come?_

Some of the guys noticed dark under-eye circles and the bluish tone of his lips; they also noticed that the General, who always looked impeccable, was not in the best of shapes. His face elongated from the loss of weight and his eyes lost the calm strength that was so familiar to his subordinates.

Dae Man and Choong Seok inquired as to his health and wondered if the General developed an illness that he was not taking care of.

"I'm fine, thank you," he replied dryly. It was difficult to keep an even mood after not sleeping for almost a week. He felt like one minute he was fine and another he was ready to bite people's heads off for no reason. This situation was getting out of control fast.

"General, would you join us for a meal in town tonight?" Dae Man approached him cautiously.

Thinking for a second, Choi Young decided that this diversion might do something for his sleep, "Why not. Get me, when you are ready."

Dae Man, Deok Man and Choong Seok arranged for a private room in a Kisaeng's house. Unlike prostitutes, despite their low social status, Kisaeng were women of education, skilled in the art of music and poetry and able to keep a stimulating conversation. Whoever came up with this bright idea, obviously the guys thought it would provide the General with a much needed female company.

For Choi Young Imja was the first and only woman with whom he shared his mind, his body and his soul. She was his friend and his companion, they could talk about anything and in talking with her, he learned that a woman had a different way of thinking and looking at things.

To his surprise, the Kisaeng who entertained them were quite pleasant. They were very attentive and not intrusive, respectful of the guests. Choi Young was listening to the music and poetry, which resonated with his internal world of longing. He did not need to explain how and why he felt, the women seemed to understand his mood. If he closed his eyes and just listened to the music, he felt as if Imja was close, as if behind the sounds he could hear her voice, sharing in his sadness and crying the tears for his suffering.

. . .

Out of the four of them, Choi Young usually almost never touched alcohol. Dae Man was pouring him as the evening progressed, and the Kisaeng were bringing in food to keep plenty of snacks on the table. Dae Man got drunk pretty quickly and started talking about how much he wanted to help the General and how much he loved his girlfriend, but did not know how to tell her. He even became tearful, recalling that General treated him like a person and took him under his wing, all along asking to toast with his savior. Reluctantly Choi Young humored the boy and even found this exaggerated exhibit of drunken gratitude somewhat endearing. The other two soldiers got ready to leave and Choi Young had them load up drunken Dae Man on the Deok Man's shoulders for a piggyback ride home.

"Are you coming?" Asked Choong Seok, who as usual was the most thoughtful of them all. He did not feel it was right to leave the General behind, especially after he drank a lot more than typically.

"I will get some air and return. You go first, somebody has to be there." Choi Young hesitated at the thought that he would have to deal with the sleepless night again. At least here, he would not have to dread every second, and the night might pass faster with entertainment.

As the man left, Dae Man grabbed one of the girls, whispering something into her ear and placing a pouch filled with coins into her hand.

"Yes, my lord. I will do my best," the woman responded. She returned to the room, as the other women left together with the three Woodalchi.

Choi Young was feeling a little drunk, the numbness that alcohol gave him was nice for a change. He was tired of the raw feelings, like he was one exposed nerve, cringing at any contact.

He closed his eyes, feeling a warm wave of sleepiness. He heard a muted woman's voice, sounding softly, expressing concern and offering him another drink and a pillow for comfort. Keeping his eyes shut, he nodded in agreement. "Keep them coming," he said while emptying his cup. _How pathetic, I'm resorting to alcohol now._

Feeling a bit sick, he tried to get up, stumbling, his feet not listening to his commands; he tried to grab the wall, only to trip and painfully hit his shoulder and a side of his head on a door jamb, almost breaking the thin sliding doors separating the room from the outside. Somebody's hands lifted him up and a small figure inserted herself under his arm, dragging him away.

He remembered: his head was throbbing and his stomach was turning violently, sending spasms up to his throat; vomiting, Choi Young was standing on his knees, his head in a bucket. A woman's hand was petting him on the back and afterwards, wiped off his mouth and face. Then the same hand poured some warm liquid into him, causing the spasm to subside and with stomach soothed, he collapsed from exhaustion, finally shutting his eyes for an anguished sleep.

When he woke up, he was laying on the sleeping mat, clothes off, his torso exposed, the only undergarment left on was his pants. To his complete horror, a woman's hand was caressing him on top of his pants, causing the blood rush down to his groin area, his body involuntary responding.

"Don't worry, I'll be gentle," she said and slid her hand inside, touching him with a smile. He could only moan and grab her wrist pulling it out violently, almost breaking her bones.

"You are hurting me!" she screamed.

He has not fully opened his eyes yet, but saw her naked breasts before his eyes and unavoidably felt her whole naked body brush against him, her hips rubbing against his groin, continuing to cause this uncontrollable physical arousal.

He pushed the woman off and tried to cover himself, feeling so despicably dirty, he did not know what to do.

Young was disgusted with the sight of her flesh and with himself for looking at her and responding to her advances. He desperately wished he could have been in better control of his body. Overwhelmed by his own helplessness, he wished to be castrated. If he could disown his body, if he could slice the offending part off, he would.

"My lord," the woman cried, crawling up to him, "Why did you hit me?"

"Stay away, don't come any closer," he yelled. "What have you done to me?"

Choi Young flung himself into the wall, trying to distance from her, still holding a blanket to himself, covering his shame.

"I did not do anything to you, my Lord. I only took care of you, like your friend had asked," the woman continued to weep, looking quite terrified of him.

"Were you planning to take advantage of me while I was drunk? If the situation was reversed and I were a woman, and you a man, this would be considered rape!" He exclaimed horrified by his own conclusion.

"My lord, I'm not a prostitute. I thought that since your friend told me you are very sad and missing a woman, I would help you."

"Put on some clothes, please, I beg of you," he could not continue averting his eyes without still catching a glimpse of her crouched naked body. "What did you expect to happen?"

"I thought that I would please you and that… I could make a better future for myself and my child."

"Your child?" Choi Young was ready to leave that second, but this stopped him.

"I'm with child, my lord," her voice was still shaking through the tears, as she began picking up her clothing, scattered on the floor, pressing thin fabric to her chest in an attempt to shield herself from his eyes.

"I deserve to die, my lord!" She suddenly threw herself to the floor, kneeling in front of him, as if ready for an execution. "Please use your sword on me, I will be better off dead!" She cried out in desperation.

Choi Young managed to get up and find his shirt; putting it on, he approached the woman. "Let's both of us get dressed first. I will listen to you before I make a decision about what kind of punishment you deserve."

He picked up the rest of his clothes and turning away from her, announced, "You may get up and get dressed, I'm not looking."

"I'm very sorry, my lord," she said, swallowing tears.

After they both were decent, he was able to finally look around the room. It was very small, barely a space for a sleeping mat and a small dresser on a side with a cloudy mirror and a modest jewelry box. He could not bring himself to look at the woman's face yet, his flesh still feeling like he was burned, reeling after he allowed himself to be touched by her.

He saw a floor pillow next to the dresser and offered her to sit down. "I'll stand over here," he pointed to the farthest corner of the room.

"Of course you would treat me like that. I'm untouchable," she replied in a calm, accepting tone.

"No," Choi Young responded quickly, "It is not because you are a Kisaeng, I just need to be like that now. If you have a story to tell, now is the time."

She explained that as a Kisaeng she served in the house of a nobleman, refusing to disclose his name, still in fear for her life. A nobleman's son took a liking to her and continuously made advances, which quickly escalated to groping and forcing her to have sex with him. She was scared out of her wits and did not know what to do. One night she decided to run away, as she could not take the abuse any longer. As she started her escape, she was captured and brought back to her young master. Angry, he first beat her and then tore her clothes off and raped her, dragging her out and throwing her half naked body on the ground behind the house. "_Don't you dare come back here again, since you wanted to leave, I will grant your wish!"_ These were the last words she heard from him.

She was able to find a Kisaeng house in a neighboring town and was accepted for work. A couple of weeks ago, she learned that she was pregnant. By the rules, her child could not be elevated to a higher status and if it were a girl, she would be forced to also become a Kisaeng.

"I wanted to get rid of the child, but the shaman refused to help me," she started crying again. "I already decided to drown myself, when you showed up. Your friends were talking and I found out your name. I remembered that you are a famous General, well known for his principles and integrity. I knew that you were not married and I thought that if I were to sleep with you, you might accept the child. Then the child could grow up in a proper household even if he is a child of a Kisaeng… I thought that you are the kind of man who would not throw a child away."

"And if you had a girl?" Quietly asked Choi Young.

"I would have killed her with my own hands once she was born," the woman said with determination.

A shiver ran down Choi Young's spine. It was already a miracle, he had stayed in this room so long. "I have to go. I will send somebody who can help later." He looked at the woman's face with empathy. "If you had simply asked for my help!" he added bitterly.

. . .

That's why he was standing under the rain. That's why he cursed Dae Man for asking the woman to take care of him, that's why he needed to first punish himself, because the woman was not at fault. He understood, it was her way of trying to survive. He, on the other hand, did not have any excuse. _Nothing happened, nothing happened._ But it was not true…

Choi Young returned home after dark. Not lighting a candle, he sat on the chair, looking into the distance. A rational part of him knew that although it seemed like he betrayed his woman, he did not. He understood that a man's body was just flesh, created to respond to a woman's touch. He understood that his heart, mind, and soul never strayed. He had no doubt that even if he was completely drunk, he would never have gone so far as to actually having sex with that woman. But that was not his concern. His concern was that it still was something that occurred…

The insomnia went away in a couple of days, and he was able to get some shuteye. He spoke with Deo Gi, who visited the girl in secret to provide medical care and give her some money Choi Young provided. Deo Gi also supplied the girl with necessary clothes and provisions and gave her a letter of recommendation to a mountain temple in the northern territories, which accepted unfortunate souls like her without any questions. At least, the girl could stay alive and maybe even take care of her child, who would be able to grow up away from the unfair and cruel societal rule.

Slowly, he was able to let go of guilt, but still carried shame. The rift between him and Dae Man grew even bigger, and he did not speak to the boy ever since.


	10. Chapter 9

**This continues the tone set in the previous chapter, exploring further the aftermath of the fallout with Dae Man. I hope that you will enjoy a new turn to the story. I am working on the next part, so stay tuned.**

**LOSS**

**Part 1 Time of reckoning**

"The general is sick. He's been in bed for the last few days".

_I am swollen by darkness, falling into the deep hole. I let myself go, I plunge into the black nothingness, my free falling body like a broken stick, fumbling in the air, aimlessly, drawn by the gravity to the bottomless pit of despair. My eyes register light, moving away from me faster and faster, even the last flicker of hope disappearing, now I'm lost. _

"He is refusing food, wasting away. I have never seen him like that before. Even before the High Doctor… He cared enough to at least eat and sleep."

"He won't even see Deo Gi and is refusing to get any kind of treatment."

* * *

"Get ready, you will leave at dawn," Choi Young said coldly.

"General. I will do my best, I'll make you proud!" Dae Man's energetic voice, filled with hope for a praise landed emptily.

He did not look at the boy, he did not turn, he just replied "I forgive you, but I can not forget." He still had a hard time facing him, more out of his own shame, because Dae Man inadvertently witnessed the fallout of that drunken night. He no longer blamed the boy, but there was always a wall between them.

That was in the morning, but now Go Jin Ah was in his room because the stupid idiots, who were supposed to keep everybody out per his orders, let her in, knowing that she was Dae Man's girlfriend.

"General", the girl kneeled in front of him. "I am asking you on Dae Man's behalf. You are everything to him. He has no family. You are like a father to him. He wants us to marry, but he said that unless you represent his side, he can not go through with it," she bowed deeply, head hitting the floor, following an age old custom in front of a respected elder. "I'm begging you," she was crying, pretty face ruined by tears, eyes seeking, hoping…

"Get up, get up". He forcefully pulled her up, but could not even look her in the face.

She plummeted back to the floor.

"I will not leave till you forgive him. I will stay here as long as needed".

"I told you to get up. You are a devoted woman, but this is between me and Dae Man."

He turned away, feeling like knives were cutting through him with each word cruelly coming out of his mouth.

"I'm begging you," she wept, grabbing onto his boots. He had to unhook her fingers, separating her from self and step aside. She crept after him, still on her knees, whaling "Please forgive him, general!"

"Please take the lady away," he called. He heard a pair of loud steps and a scuffle between the two guards, who tried to lift her off the floor without any harm, and the girl who kept reaching out to him, struggling to stay down. Finally, drained of all strength, she hung on their arms, her exhausted body drooping, feet dragging, while they escorted her out.

"I do not take any visitors," he yelled.

He could not do it, no matter how hard he tried, he just could not get over it. He smashed his fist on the desk, "Aiishh", the table shook violently, inkwell and paper flying off, a black stream forming on the floor, trickling along the seam between two wooden planks, slowly moving as it created a path, unaware of anything, crawling along 'drip', 'drip'. Choi Young followed the black line as it curved and moved, staring at the floor with a vacant gaze.  
How did it come this? Is it whom he's become? Can his heart now only hold one person in it? He was crippled.

A loud bang made him turn around with a tired look in his eye.

"What now?"

"General, with your permission."

Dae Man slammed the door open, and stepped inside the room for the first time in months. He was always of a shy disposition, and when he was around friends, he was more of a joker. Serious expression did not fit him as much, although he was very serious on many occasions and was a diligent soldier. His face clearly reflected strong and basic emotions: happiness, sadness, surprise, anger, worry, fear, and most of all empathy. He was a sensitive boy. Under the messy mane of his wild hair, he had a sharp mind and his eyes noticed many things, of which he did not speak. He was actually quite good at reading people. Maybe, it came from the time when he had to survive and quickly adapt to the environment. Choi Young always suspected that Dae Man's parents were not just some poor souls who died from an illness and poverty, there was more to his story. The way young Dae Man was scared when the man simply lifted his hand or startled when Choi Young tried to hug the boy, he knew that the child was abused. They never talked about the past, but when Choi Young found a scared half animal – half boy in the woods, he knew immediately this was not just any orphan. This little boy with grown up eyes was special. Consistency went a long way with taming the wild kid, who grew up to be a man, now with a girlfriend, ready to be engaged.

Dae Man glared angrily at his commander, which was a first.

"Is it tr—uue, sh-eeee was here?" he struggled to keep the composure and to diminish stuttering betraying his nervousness.

"Yes it is," responded Choi Young in a flat and tired tone, still sitting half turned to the door. He knew where this was going and he really did not feel like dealing with it now.

"General,.. You… Sir… How…" the boy was choking on his words, clasping his sword with both hands, so hard, he could ring water out of it, if he pressed any more.

"Did she beg?" he asked, voice shaking with tears and rage, he looked up from underneath the forehead, the eyes filled with haltered.

"Did you allow her to beg?" he hissed.

What can he say?_ Yes, I did? No, I did not? There was no answer._

"She is my woman, I'm supposed to protect her," he screamed. "She humiliated herself to this extent, and you let her! For what? Your forgiveness? I no longer desire to have anything to do with you."

Choi Young forced himself to look at the young man's face, it was the time of reckoning. Losing Dae Man's love and respect was the ultimate price he had to pay.

Dae Man drew his sword, pointing at the general with a shaking hand, he challenged him, "Fight me like a man. Her honor, how can I get it back now?" His lips were shaking, he was crying through his anger, asking for a fight to at least give him the dignity to avenge the woman he loved.

Choi Young got up and approached him, stopping at the tip of Dae Man's sword, he said calmly, with the same tired voice, ringing with regret. "I can't fight you, you know it will not be a fair fight. Furthermore, I will not raise my sword against a brother in arms."

Dae Man raised the weapon to his general's throat. "I killed men before."

"I know."

"I killed my father. He humiliated my mother and beat me to a pulp. I killed him because I could not longer recognize him as a person I used to love."

The harsh truth revealed did not surprise Choi Young, but he slightly staggered, hit by the cold eyes with no remorse or regret.

"I can no longer recognize you," calm and sharp words burned through the general.

The words pierced Choi Young's heart inflicting more pain than this sword ever could.

"After this mission, I will resign from Woodalchi. Please prepare my pay, I will need everything for the wedding and for my future family," his voice no longer shaking, but assertive and final.

Dae Man bowed to his superior and turned, leaving Choi Young, who extended his hand, trying to stop his friend. He made a step forward and stopped. He really wanted to go after the boy, to catch him in his embrace, to hug him and apologize for everything. But, of course, he could not be running after him. Choi Young returned inside the room and looked out the window. Dae Man with a few others were getting ready to saddle the horses. "Dae Man, I have not dismissed you yet, come back," he called out, because this was the only thing he could do.

The soldier turned and took a long look at the window, at the face of the man who was his savior, his idol, his father, his brother, his friend, who was everything to him, and now he cast him away. "Goodbye", he lifted his hand with a final gesture. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, my boy. Forgive me, if you ever can," whispered Choi Young, knowing he was at the point of no return. And that was the last time the general saw him.


	11. Chapter 10

**Hello everybody! In case, I don't get to say this before the 31st, Happy New Year.! My best wishes for health and happiness; may your love for Fatih stay with you in 2013.**

******I'm supposed to be on vacation, but I already have a chapter written, so this is another one for the holidays. **As this year ends and the new one about to start, I find myself going back to this story. It is coming slowly, but surely. Please be patient with me and let me know what you think, you comments are appreciated. 

**LOSS**

**Part 2 The mission**

The mission was uniquely suited for Dae Man. He was a great sprinter and could endure running for long distances without rest; he was nimble, quick moving, climbed the trees, hid in the bushes, perfectly fit with his agile frame for camouflage. He was also pretty good at tracking, having spent majority of his childhood in the wilderness. He could survive without supplies and did not mind isolation. He was smart, attentive and could be inconspicuous. Dae Man was a perfect spy.

There were rumors about the Yuan movement at the far border and secret coalitions forming to overthrow current Yuan government, which would cause unrest, and Goryeo would surely suffer from the spill over affect. Besides, the newly occupied territories were still infested with Yuan presence and a number of enemy soldiers were caught trying to cross the border. Dae Man's mission was to learn everything he could – listen and remember. A name of a possible coup leader was given to a selected few, with Choi Young at the helm. Dae Man needed to find that man and infiltrate his closest circle, if possible, gaining trust and knowledge.

Despite their personal falling out, Choi Young made sure to recognize the boy's abilities and achievements, that's why every time a new mission came about, Dae Man volunteered, looking for praise and ultimately forgiveness. This time around was no different. He approached the general, who consulted with Choon Seok and agreed. At that time, Choi Young did not know that Dae Man was planning on getting married, if he knew, he would not have sent the boy away on such a dangerous mission of indefinite duration. He regretted it, of course. He regretted how they parted, he regretted and hoped for his safe return to try to reconcile. He knew he would have to apologize and work hard on rebuilding what seemed to have been hopelessly broken. But Dae Man was like a family, and Choi Young started where he could. He took the time to seek out his girlfriend, and after talking with her, he was more at peace.

Dae Man's mission began successfully. He delivered messages via carrier pigeon. Like clockwork, the information was provided weekly. The bits and pieces were disconnected, but the job of the general and his assistant was to put the scattered puzzle parts together. From the messages a fuzzy picture began forming. The coup leader was secretive and paranoid. He possessed wealth and power, backed by a strong coalition of disgruntled aristocrats who felt money and power being drained by the government. He kept a small unit of private soldiers who guarded him; they all were hand picked by his youngest son, who was his favorite and his confidant. So it was decided that they way to approach the person of interest would be through his son, who was of similar age to Dae Man. If Dae Man could gain the trust of the son, he could then obtain first hand information and that was almost as good as working for the father. The son had a lot of vices, such as gambling, drinking, money and women. Gambling and drinking were the two options they thought of exploiting. But he also enjoyed hunting. He hired locals to lead him on the hunting expeditions into the deep wilderness and was known to generously pay if he liked the gaming opportunities. They were working on a plan for Dae Man to execute.

"General, do you think Dae Man can present as a hunting guide? He can organize a spectacular hunting play, getting the guy to like him and possibly take him with him to the city?"

"It is one option, but I'm not sure. There are too many unknown variables. Dae Man will be on his own, no support, if anything changes mid game, what if his life is in danger. He can not be harmed."

"Then gambling?"

"Blackmail is always a good move, getting him drunk, putting him in a compromising position by taking him to an illegal gambling establishment, making it know to the authorities, when the place is raided, Dae Man saves his hide, therefore, gaining his trust and friendship. When offered money, he only wants to pledge his allegiance and serve."

"Not bad, not bad at all!"

"Let's work on the details of both plans respectively, reconvene tomorrow. Review. See what will work the best. Ultimately, Dae Man will have to chose, he is the one with the eyes and ears on the ground, he will have to figure which plan to put in play based on the current conditions."

"General, that's a big task for a young man like him."

"I was that age once and I have already had to make my share of tough choices. He needs to learn, and he is good. He is smart and what's most important intuitive. I trust in his abilities. Let's both of us hope that one of the plans can be utilized."

Choi Young has not been sleeping well. For a while now. The fight between him and Dae Man shook the very foundations of his belief about who he was as a man and as a leader. He protected his men and tried to treat them fairly. But because this boy was not just one of his men he completely lost the sight of what mattered, of what was important.

"Imja, I screwed up. Pretty big. I bet you would not let me sink that deep if you were here." He still had his daily talks with her, never missing it even once.

His heart was pulling at him today with a strange dull pain that just would not let go. He massaged his chest, trying to release the tension, but it felt like it only spread the discomfort even more. "Should I go and see after him? He needs to find his own footing, but he may be trying to prove something to himself or to me and it can lead to catastrophic consequences. I know - I would, if I decided that I had to stand on my own from now on."

Looking up to the cloudy skies, as if expecting an answer from the heavens, he sighed and shivered from the cold wrapping himself into the folds of his cape. He spent pretty much most of the night walking and thinking, thinking and walking. His body was tired, but his mind did not require any rest. He headed back to the barracks to meet Choong Seok. The plans were finalized and the message was sent.


	12. Chapter 11

**Just could not stay away, another one before the year ends. What do you guys think? Too much? It just gets more and more intense. Let me know if you like it or what your thoughts are. **

**LOSS**

**Part 3 He is back**

A week passed and then another, there was no response back. Go Jin Ah came by to ask for any news, and the general not looking her in the eye, muttered something about the information delay since Dae Man was now deep undercover and that no news was actually a sign of good news, since he was not able to communicate freely any longer. The girl, looking at him with trusting eyes and bowing, thanked him for taking care of her boyfriend.

He collapsed on the chair after she exited, overwhelmed by the sense that something really bad actually happened to his boy. "Dae Man, you punk, don't you want to come back and stick it to me, don't you want to prove that you are the best and want me to beg for your forgiveness? Come on, you little devil, show your teeth, I still have the scars left on my legs, when you used to bite me like a rabid dog! Come on, don't you disappear, let me know you are OK, just to spite me, ah?" Talking out loud, like a crazy person, Daejan was actually looking at the window, where the agile figure of the young man was seen last.

Another week passed. At night, if he managed to get a shuteye, he was haunted by the image of Dae Man captured and tortured, his body jerking in agony, poked by fire sticks, his screams ringing in the general's ears. There was nobody to console him when he woke up yelling and the space next to him was empty as always.

Something very important broke inside of him and he fell into a very deep depression, practically overnight. He did not come out of his room and refused to eat. Choong Seok came by to report daily; and the general stared at him blankly lying on his bed, hearing, but not paying attention.

"Sir, we sent a couple of people who are originally from the North to scout under the pretence of visiting their families. There are no traces of Dae Man's presence. It is as if he disappeared into the thin air. There are no rumors of captured spies and at the target's house the business is as usual. The son supposedly went on a hunting expedition, but they could not find out the name of the guide. Let's hope that Dae Man is with him."

"Choong Seok-ah," he whispered weakly, "if he is dead, I can not live."

"General, you can not continue like that, if the High Doctor were here…"

"But she is not here, is she? Do you see her anywhere?" And he lifted his weakened body off the bed looking around with eyes raging with madness, mocking something or somebody: "here?" - he lifted the blanket, or "there" and he looked under the bed, "maybe over there" and he pointed behind the folding screen, and a sobering sigh escaped from his lips. The crazy light in his eyes went out; the glimpse of the man behind the madness showed in his gaze. "My friend, I think I'm losing my mind. If Dae Man is gone, then what do I have left? I found him in the mountains, wondering like a wild animal, I fed him and took care of him, I brought him with me, because I thought that he would be better off here, under my care and protection. He is like a son to me, I watched him grow up. And now… I don't know when Imja comes back, but when she does, how am I going explain to her that I let my boy die after I never had a chance to say 'I'm sorry.' He knew before everybody that I was waiting for her, my sweet boy." And his head dropped, while a lone tear slid down his cheek.

"Sir, you still have me," and the assistant general put his strong hand on the general's shoulder. "We have been through a lot together, we'll survive this one, too." Choi Young placed his palm on top of the man's with gratitude.

"The way I'm now, I did not think it was possible, but for a minute there, my mind was gone. I can't lose my sanity."

"I don't want to believe he is gone, either, but he knew what he signed up for when he took on the mission."

A few more days passed, and Choi Young's grief ate at his flesh, leaving him with sunken eyes and cracked bluish lips. His body lost half of its usual weight; his strength is gone. He did not bother access his KI to bring himself back to life. The morale in the barracks was at the lowest, with the soldiers wondering why the general is so sick that he can not even come out to talk, and even more surprisingly, they did not see any doctors visiting him. Rumors that he contracted a lethal disease, which was rapidly killing him, spread. He refused an order to attend an audience with the king, and the letter of concern sent by the queen was left unanswered.

Mourning his loss, Choi Young obsessively regurgitated all the details of the times he spent with Dae Man. Everybody else believed him dead, but he could not accept it. Dae Man was not the type to get himself killed that easily. However, if he were to be discovered…

"Imja, I don't think I can bare it any longer," he cried out.

"Then go and bring him back, what are you waiting for?" He heard what he thought was her voice and looked back into the direction it came from. Instead of Eun Soo, his aunt stood at the entrance to his room. Her face - stern as usual, not a glimpse of sympathy or concern.

"I came to pick up your body, I was told you are like dead, anyway."

"Aunt?" he did not expect her to show up.

"Moping around? she shook her head, "Tsk, tsk, tsk. Skin and bones. Look at what you've become," and she shoved a mirror into his face. She pushed him off the bed and he fell as if his legs stopped working. She kicked him in the side, "Get up, you had enough time to lounge." And when he slowly rose, using a table as support, she untied his belt and pulled his tunic off, mumbling "Look at him, all dirty. Ooo, the stench!" "Clean yourself," she ordered.

"Why?"

"You smell, that's why. Hurry up, I haven't got all day."

And for some unknown to him reason, he did as he was told. Just like when he was a kid, her way of dealing with the stubborn boy, worked like magic. Her brand of tough love was perfectly suited for Choi Young's personality.

When he returned, changed into the fresh clothes she prepared for him, she stuck a comb into his hair, and harshly pulling through the knots, brushed his grown out mane. He sat there, obediently taking the abuse, finding pleasure in the pain she delivered to actually feel something else, besides the cold grief.

"Eat," and she pushed a spoonful of porridge into his mouth. "Chew."

She fed him the whole bowl and then placed a cup into his hand. "Drink."

The food warmed up his stomach and he immediately felt a burst of energy.

"Thank you," he uttered under his breath.

"You are welcome," she answered softly. "Can I leave you alone now?"

"I'll be fine." Still getting acquainted with his body, which was bedridden for a while, he moved his legs, as if learning to walk again, dragging himself outside the confines of his room for the first time in many days.

He found Go Jin Ah at the clinic; the poor girl did not look too good. She also lost some weight and her red eyes showed signs of crying. "Jin Ah-shi," he called. She turned, hopeful, and her face fallen right away. He did not come with the good news. "I am going to find him."

"General, everybody thinks he is dead. I don't know what to think, but I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I might have lost him. Please, don't give me false hope… I understand. Dae Man was a Woodalchi, I know what it means." She said 'was', like she already accepted.

"I need to ask for his forgiveness and he would not die before he hears it from me, I know him, he is proud like that and stubborn."

"I forgive you in his stead. If he were here now, I believe he would as well. It's all water under the bridge," she said sadly.

"If I do not bring him back to you, then it means that I'm dead." And he turned around and walked, with his back straight, his gait steady, and his strides, long and confident. The general was back.


	13. Chapter 12

**Dear readers, thank for the feedback. I appreciate your honest reactions. **

**To those of you who felt sad about our Daejang. This was my intention. I was crying myself with him. **

**And to Lauren: I understand your frustration. But it makes me feel sad to see that you don't like Choi Young in this story. There is a reason why I chose to go in this direction, when you write, you take risks with the characters. Choi Young is a man who has been waiting for a long time, and it has been hard on him. I think he deserves a break down because after all he is only human. So I feel like I owe it to him to explore the darker and more intensive parts of his journey. So I'm hoping that you would still find it in your heart to love him the way he is, even if he is broken down and miserable. He is coming out of it, don't worry. **

**Please bare with me and with Daejang and see his journey through. **

**LOSS**

**Part 4 To the North**

"Deok Man, get the horses ready, we leave in four hours," he called, knowing that the man was nearby as always.

Men poured out into the street at the sound of their commander's voice.

"General, are you feeling better?"

He did not grant them any response and just kept walking on by in his usual way. Then stopped, turned around, and barked, "Training equipment is in disarray; who is responsible for clean up? Now!" and continued on his path.

The men visibly relaxed, most of them smiled with relief, happy to be scolded – the general seemed to be OK.

One of the recent recruits opened his big mouth, "Sir, you are not dying, are you? We were all worried; we heard that you have a terminal illness."

Choi Young laughed. He was surprised to hear the sound of laughter coming from self - a sound of life. He came up to the boy, his eyes sparkling now. "If I'm dying, I'll make sure to make an announcement. Rumors are for the palace, where they have nothing better to do. We are Woodalchi, we have no time for such nonsense!"

And the guys clamored, approaching him, and he gave them a few minutes of his attention, chatting and checking with them, making sure each and one of the soldiers felt special and important.

Truthfully, he had no plan. He knew what he had to do, he just did not know how. Choong Seok called him out the side, leaving the soldiers to celebrate the return of their beloved commander on their own. "Sir, I'm glad you are back on your feet."

"Was it you, who called my aunt over?"

Choong Seok deflected, "Do you have any plans? Any orders?"

"Thank you, my friend," expressed sincere appreciation Choi Young. "I will never forget your loyalty and care."

Praise was uncomfortable, and the Assistant General began fidgeting. "So no orders then?"

"I need your help and advice. I can not do it on my own. I strongly believe, no I can feel that Dae Man is alive. His body would have been found by now and if he were to be captured, the news would have leaked by this time. What our strategy should be?"

"I wish I could come with you, but somebody needs to watch over things here. Let's start with the Suribangs, their reach is far beyond the capital borders. I will give you addresses for all those who were sent for investigation. You can take anybody you want with you. Whether he is dead or alive, I'm certain you will bring him home." He had such faith in his eyes!

The trust general's men had in him was a burden, but also a blessing, without it, he would not be standing here right now, planning an impossible rescue. He only had a few hours to come up with a plausible plan. Everybody who wanted to contribute was invited to the meeting, held in the downstairs training hall. Choi Young listened to each and every one of the Woodalchi, periodically, jotting something down on a paper he prepared, and at times, giving short commands to Deok Man, who stood next to him, nodding after he heard General's short statements. After everybody had a chance to share, he thanked his men for support and announced that he will be departing today for a rescue mission.

"Dae Man is one of us. He is one of the finest and the most beloved members of the Woodalchi family. I know some of you believe that he perished, but unless I see his dead body with my own eyes, I will operate under the assumption that a soldier sent on a dangerous mission needs to be rescued."

Taking a small group of experienced and trusted men with him, headed by Deok Man, who was eager to look for his best friend, Choi Young rode to the North. They stopped at small boarding houses on the way for rest and food. They replenished supplies and after reaching the region, camped outside the small town where the son of the rebel leader lived. Everybody had a change of clothes to blend in with the commoners. Choi Young looked very different, once he put on a peasant's caftan and his sword was safely hidden underneath his robes. He did not change his boots, as he needed to make sure he can move well, his footwear was perfect.

The people of the North were more cautious of the strangers, having to deal for generations with invasions and pillages from the peoples across the border and from others who passed by. The country's borders were in constant flux, and many locals had relatives who lived in Yuan territories. A friend or a foe, they valued family connections the most and unless you had someone to vouch for you, nobody would speak to a new face. With the help from the native Woodalchis, who were already visiting their families, Choi Young was given introductions and soon the locals met him with friendly smiles and conversations. While he was making friends and gaining trust, the rest of the group scouted the surrounding areas for any signs or clues of Dae Man's location.


	14. Chapter 13

**LOSS **

**Part 5 The old lady**

The general felt rejuvenated to be out of the palace, among regular people, constraining formalities and burdensome etiquette were no longer hindering him. He even fed his chestnut addiction, frequently buying a plate full of steaming nuts from an old lady at the market, stopping by her stall a few times on his way to and from the meetings he sat up with the villagers. After a couple of days, the old lady who sold nuts to him, recognized her favorite customer and called out to him when he passed her house on the street, "Son, come here." He bowed to the elder and approached her. "Yes, Haimoni."

"You are new around here, what is your name?"

"Choi Young."

"Choi Young. That is a strong name for a boy. Your parents must be proud, you grew up beautifully."

"Thank you, unfortunately they have passed away when I was younger."

"I lost my son," she shared sadly. "He was about your age. He worked for that rich man, on the other side of the bridge. He was so excited to get a job. He bought me a present with his first pay." And she pulled out a beautifully embroidered silk scarf from her robe.

"It is a work of art, Haimoni. I'm sorry you lost your son."

"I had him late, I did not think I could have children, but Buddah gave him to me as a gift. He was such a perfect little boy." And she began crying, tears falling into the creases of her wrinkled face.

Choi Young was compelled to comfort her, and sat on the raised step by the door, next to her. The old woman took his hand, and put it in-between her old wrinkled palms, stroking it. Choi Young was so touched by this personal gesture; Imja was the first one to ever do it, and he still remembered the night when his hand got frozen by Gi Cheol, and she held it, in her hands, warming it with her breath, stroking it just like that. The woman looked up at him and asked "Would you like a home cooked meal, son?" And he nodded, clearing his throat, from a tearful lump.

During the lunch the conversation returned to her son. As it turned out he worked as a messenger for the very man who was identified as the son of the coup leader, Lord Temur. Since Yuan was just over the river and the village was split by the newly formed border into two parts, the traffic between the Northern Goryeo and Yuan was easy to follow across the bridge.

Choi Young had something that nobody besides The King and Choong Seok knew – a secrete mandate, authorizing him to conduct investigation on the Yuan citizens on their territory. This was a part of a secret agreement reached between the two countries as a result of the successful occupation of the Yuan's land by Goryeo's army. Both monarchies were at stake and Yuan, which was losing its grip on its people and its power in the region was willing to ally itself even with a rebellious son-in-law nation.

"Haimoni, may I ask you what happened to your son?" asked Choi Young still sitting at the table in front of the empty plate he just finished.

"He perished."

"Perished?" he immediately thought of Dae Man, another man missing.

"Before he disappeared, he was behaving strange, he was nervous and hiding something in his room; he did not let me clean it. One day he went to work and never returned. I went to the young master's house looking for him, but the servants refused to let me in." She began crying again. "I think he was killed and the crime was hidden, people with money can do anything."

"Why would your son be killed?"

"Because of the secret message. He was a trusted messenger between the lord Temur and his son, who resided in a different household with his new wife. Poor woman, ask anybody. The young master practically lived in the gambling house! But his father forgave everything, he is his favorite."

Choi Young tensed and leaned forward the woman, "So your son disappeared carrying a message from the lord to his son?"

"Yes, that's the last thing he did before he perished."

Was it fate that brought him to this woman's door? "Haimoni, the thing is, I'm here looking for my friend, my very dear friend. He was younger than me and I took care of him since he was still a kid… He was like a son to me, Haimoni. If not for that, I would not ask you for help, but since you lost your son and I my friend… I'm looking for him, because I am still hoping he is alive. What I'm about to ask you…"

"You are the general they are talking about, aren't you?" And she looked at him with the sorrowful eyes, showing a glimmer of hope. "Can you help me uncover what happened to my son? Can you find him for me, too?"

"I don't know Haimoni, I don't know." And he pulled back, realizing that he was doing something hurtful inadvertently to this kind old lady.

"I do not believe my son is alive, but if you have any chance of finding your friend, I'll tell you anything you need to know," and she stroked his hand again, tenderly.

"Haimoni, can I see his room, please?"

"I'll take you there."

She slid the doors open and bending, not to hit his head on the low beam, Choi Young entered a small and tidy room.

"I will wait outside," said the woman, honoring her son's wishes and closed the doors behind him.

What right did he have to look through this man's things? Was invading this man's privacy something that was necessary to find Dae Man? The instinct told him 'yes'. Choi Young was never one to dwell on intricacies and nuances when making decisions. He was naturally more inclined to follow hunches. This 5th sense he had was recognized early on and nurtured by his teacher, who cultivated Choi Young's talents with carefully planned training. He taught the warrior to rely on his instinct first and always trust himself. "Your mind can betray you, but your gut can't," he told him quite crudely, yet the message was clear, and Choi Young never failed to use it. That is how he first picked Eun Soo out of all the doctors at the medical conference, an instinct, not a carefully prepared strategy.

Trying not to disturb anything, with outmost respect, he carefully lifted and moved things around, not finding anything of use till his hand felt something underneath the mattress. He pulled out a letter, addressed "Omoni". Maybe, his whole purpose of meeting this woman was to help her find a last letter from her son, which might give her finally some measure of comfort.

"I found something," he called and coming out the room, handed her folded paper. "It is a letter from your son to you. It was hidden under his mattress. I'm sorry I had to search his room, but I hope this will atone for it." And he turned to leave.

"You don't have to go," she cried, hugging the tall warrior. And once again he was reminded of Imja, who used to hug him so freely, with all her heart, crying into him. So he lifted his arms and hugged the old woman back, feeling how her body relaxed and her cries drowned in his broad chest.

He waited for her to finish reading the letter, wanting to be here for her and make sure she was OK before he left.

She kept sobbing and wiping her tears with her pretty silk scarf, while reading. Finally, she put the paper down.

"Choi Young, he said you would be coming. My son sent you to me."

"Haimoni?" he thought he misheard her.

"He says here that in his work he discovered a big secret, but did not know who to tell or what to do; he met a young man, called Dae Man, who was helping him and they both worked on uncovering a huge treason plot; that Dae Man guy told him it would be dangerous, but my son was not afraid, he wanted to do the right thing…" she sobbed some more. "He said that if he disappeared, then one day a man called Choi Young would come, looking for his friend, Dae Man. You see that Dae Man guy believed that you would come searching for him if something went wrong… Is Dae Man the one you spoke of?"

Choi Young listened holding his breath, not believing this amazing coincidence, not trusting his own hearing…

"So, is he the boy who was like a son to you?"

"He is," finally answered Choi Young. "Still, I did not find you because of your son or my friend. I was searching for the leads, but none of them led me here. I'm sorry, Haimoni."

"That boy told my son you liked chestnuts. He said, _The general will come for the chestnuts, he always does_."

Choi Young laughed through tears, that little devil, how could he have known?

And the old lady smiled with him, and petted his hair, like he was her kid. And then stroked it gently, just like Eun Soo did when he needed comfort.

_Imja_, thought Choi Young, _did you send me to this lady so that she could give me affection I needed and make me feel alive again?_


	15. Chapter 14

**Author's notes: Dear readers, _While I have Been Waiting_ is soon coming to an end. Like Lauren said, the feeling is that this year Eun Soo will return, so in a few more chapters, we shall say goodbye to Choi Young who was waiting. Meanwhile, some of you are wondering about the continuation for _A Matter of Marriage_ series. Please be patient. It is coming, hopefully in a few days. But it is originally a story that picks up after While I have Been Waiting and where _Wish Upon The Star_ has left of. So in order to understand some of the references and nuances, you should read this series till the end. Did not mean to complicate things, it is just how it happened. **

**So here is the chronological order:**

**1)_While I have been waiting_**

**2) _Wish Upon a Star_**

**3)_A Matter of Marriage_**

**Did not plan to have a long explanation, it just happened. So if you enjoy this series or the other, consider them as one long story.**

**LOSS **

**Part 6 Kisaeng**

Choi Young sat on a side of the road, next to the turn, leading to the bridge over the river. The old lady's house was nearby and he found this spot when he saw her last time. He assumed a comfortable position: with his back to the tree for support, sword in the ground, a hand resting on top of the hilt, eyes – half shut and his mouth filled with chestnuts, chewing the sweet, specially prepared for him snack. Once he finished and swallowed the first portion, he started taking out of his pocket one chestnut at a time, playing with food, like it was a game, throwing it in the air, and catching it with his mouth. It tasted better that way. Although he looked quite busy catching flying chestnuts, nothing escaped his sharp eyes. Interestingly, this mission that started with so much angst and intensity turned out to be fun in the end.

Of course, there was not a minute that he did not think about Dae Man or felt the pressure of time, but for some reason, after talking to the old lady, the hope for his safe return was renewed and he realized that the best he can do is to make sure everybody on the Woodalchi team gathers as much information as possible today and then they can make the next and final move.

He did not pick this spot for the shade of the tree or for the comfort of the grassy field. Sitting there, he could watch people moving up and down the small road, men and women passing by, glancing at the strange man, occupied with eating chestnuts, not giving it a second thought… The first group moved about ten minutes ago. The young master Temur was not very well liked, in fact he was despised by everybody, even his own household, starting with his wife. The meltdown of this man's situation in life was occurring faster than anyone thought possible; and even a beggar on the street and a barefoot peasant offered to help Choi Young with information that would take the disgraceful lord down. The problem was that his father was well respected and liked. Sure, he covered for his son, but it was understandable, parental love was blind. The elder lord Temur was fair and kind and had done charity. He frequently shared supplies from his personal grain storeroom with the villagers during the times of the drought. So although he could be holding the son by the balls, so to speak, he had nothing on the father. And there was no way to connect the two. Since he hoped that getting to the son would be enough in order to locate Dae Man, it was a good start. But his instinct told him that there was more to it and that he should investigate further. He counted how frequently and how many times the men went back and force and what they carried. If they were supplies of weapons, it was hard to tell, since the wagons the men pushed were covered well.

He met with his Woodalchi group outside of town, exchanging information. They found a local Kisaeng who frequently worked at the house of the coup leader and apparently was favored by his son as well. He entrusted Deok Man to meet with the woman and enlist her help, promising her anything she needed, would it be money, jewelry or anything else they could offer.

"General, what if she does not agree?"

"Find a way, we need to hurry."

That night he could not sleep, tossing and turning till he finally discovered a left over chestnut in his pocket. He put it in his mouth, sucking on the hardened nut, trying to keep the sweet taste longer. "Dae Man, you clever boy, hold on a bit longer, I'm coming for you."

Next day was filled with events and rapid developments. In short, they finally started to get closer to the truth.

Deok Man and a few local Woodalchi's paid a visit to the Kisaeng house. The lady treated them as regular customers and served the food and drinks, keeping them company, as she was supposed to. When Deok Man alluded to the fact that there is some information they need and that she might have it, she immediately tensed up and excused herself, citing that she needed to bring more drinks.

"Smooth, man, smooth," the guys hit him on the back. "You scared away our only lead."

"What was I supposed to do?"

"The general will kill you." And they poured him a cup, sympathetically.

The woman returned in about fifteen minutes or so and requested, "I want to meet with your commander."

"Commander?" they never said who they were, dressed in the peasant clothes, they thought they did a good job hiding their military identities. "How did you know?"

"Your posture, your hands, how you are always checking for the weapon you carry underneath your clothes, the way you talk, and how you are too anxious; just a lot of things."

All of them sighed and nodded. She was good, and they were not so much. Apparently, all of their efforts of blending in were for nothing. She took pity on them: "and besides, I hear things and I know that there is a group of soldiers from the capital, under the command of general Choi Young that arrived in the village. So it was not hard for me to pick you out."

"Like I said, I want to speak with the general."

"He does not go to Kisaeng houses and he does not drink."

"He will have to make an exception."

"I'm afraid this is the kind of exception he won't make."

"Why does not he like us so?"

"He does not particularly dislike Kisaengs; we don't know the reason why he would not come, but it seems to be personal."

"Tell him about my condition, come back tomorrow with the answer."

Choi Young was visiting the chestnut vendor. She welcomed him like family and he began to feel as if they were somehow related, too. Maybe, because they shared a common loss and a goal to find their loved ones, dead or alive.

"General," he heard a familiar voice of the tall Woodalchi and the old lady escorted him into the house, the boy, of course hitting his head on the door post, rubbing it and grimacing from pain, while trying to bow to the elder and stand straight in front of his commander at the same time. Choi Young chuckled, "Deok Man, how can you be so good in battle, and so lost in the world?"

The guy only shrugged his shoulders, as if saying, "I'm often surprised at myself."

"Report," and he motioned for him to seat at the small dinner table, and noticing Deok Man's hesitation, added, "This old lady is working with us now, you can say anything in front of her."

"Have some food, young man", offered kindly the hostess, and brought out a hot bowl of freshly made soup.

"Go ahead," allowed Choi Young, as the boy watched the bowl, salivating, but would not eat till he received permission from his commanding officer.

Chewing and talking at the same time, Deok Man reported on the outcome of the meeting, mumbling more and more at the end, when he explained the condition of the Kisaeng. "She asked specifically for you, sir," he said so quietly, Choi Young had to ask him to repeat himself. Taking a deep breath, as he expected to be yelled at, the soldier produced, "She requested for you to meet with her in private. Just you, sir. She said she would not help us otherwise."

The general, looked at his bowl, which was already empty; he picked up a spoon and thoroughly licked it, making a sound of satisfaction. "Thank you very much for the food, Haimoni. It is very delicious," he said sweetly to the old lady, who smiled back at him. He then turned to Deok Man, his face strangely calm, not angry. "Tell me, why do you think she would not talk to you, but wants to see me?"

"I do not know, sir. We tried, but she knew we were Woodalchi right away and demanded to see our commander. We explained that you never visit Kisaeng houses, but she insisted on you meeting with her."

The old lady, who was listening to the conversation came up to Choi Young and whispered something in his ear. "Are you sure, Haimoni?"

"Yes," she nodded.

"So she did not ask for me to come to the Kisaeng house specifically, did she?"

"No, we just assumed that this is where she wanted to meet with you."

"Never assume anything, always clarify," said annoyed Choi Young. "Send her my message: I will meet with her as she requires here, bring her to this lady's home. It will be safe and discrete."


	16. Chapter 15

**LOSS**

**Part 7 The lead**

Choi Young was busy fixing up things around the house; rolling up his sleeves, he started right after lunch. He was smiling, he was almost happy, as happy as he could be considering the circumstances. He enjoyed working with his hands; it made him feel normal, ordinary, whole. He had a considerable skill, and if he were not a warrior, he might have become a pretty good carpenter. The smell of the freshly cut wood tickled his nostrils with pleasure, the birds were chirping and the sun was warming him up. He got hot and took off his shirt.

The old lady sat in her favorite spot on the step, watching the great general Choi Young chop firewood for her. If he wanted to stay here with her, she would adopt him as her own, and if her son returned home, then he would have an older brother to teach him the kind of things, she could not. "Haimoni," he called, "can I please have some water, please?" Sweat shining on his body, accentuating shape of his muscles, he stood tall, wiping the wet forehead with his arm, smile on his face. She gave him a drink and afterwards poured water on him to wash his back and chest. He was not finished, though, he still needed to straighten a few doors and fix a hole in the roof…

Under the cover of the night, the female figure covered in a black cape, so that her face was not seen, only white hands holding the side of the hood over the head, was moving with quick steps toward the house. Two men accompanied her, one tall, another shorter. They lightly knocked, and a hand opened up the gate, letting them in. The door was shut with minimal noise and all four people entered the house.

Choi Young was waiting for Kisaeng to arrive.

As the woman removed her hood and took off her cape, it revealed a freshly faced young girl, with elaborately made up hair, expensive jewelry and wearing make up on her face. She was dressed in a bright silk hanbok, which was unusual for a regular woman, since it was not a common clothing at the time, but was still a preferred attire for Kisaengs. "You?" and surprised old lady, hugged the girl, who wrapped the hands around her back and tightly pressed against the woman's chest. "Omoni, I missed you. Where is Min Hak? I have not seen him around lately. Is he well?"

The chestnut vendor broke into cries, weeping on the girls shoulder. Choi Young answered in her stead, "He has gone missing, along with my friend. We suspect that Lord Temur's son or Lord Temur himself had his hand in it. Haimoni hopes he is alive, just as I hope to find my friend safely."

The girl gently seated the weeping lady, who now was shuddering with the quiet cries, locked inside her body, and came up to Choi Young, kneeling in front of him.

"Get up, what is with you?" he felt very uncomfortable, yet not daring to touch a Kisaeng even to help her up.

"My lord, are you the general Choi Young?"

"Yes, I am, please rise."

And the girl got up and sat across him at the table. "I heard of your kindness. The word about you saving that poor girl has reached even our distant place. Not many treat Kisaengs with dignity."

The suffocating heat wave, brushed against his face, reddening his cheeks. There was nothing for him to be proud about; the Kisaeng incident was what's started his fall out with Dae Man. And he wished to forget it about it altogether, wipe his memory clean, but the life just would not take it easy on him.

"It was nothing," he said hoarsely, clearing his throat. "I appreciate you coming all the way here. Can you help?"

"Yes, I can and I will."

After she left, the old lady brought out some rice wine for the both of them. "I don't like to drink, Haimoni."

"Drink with me, son, I don't want to drink alone."

And he obliged her, pouring a cup for her and one for himself. Seeping it slowly, as she told him a story. The Kisaeng used to be a neighbor's daughter. Her son used to play with her when they were kids, they were like a brother and sister. The parents even started talking about betrothal. But it was not meant to be. The family got entangled in debts, and the father was taken due to false accusation; mother struggled to have ends meet and finally left to work as a live in maid at a lord's house. The girl stayed with the lady and her son, but not for long, as Lord Temur's guards marched into the house one evening, dragging crying child out of her bed – she was sold to pay off the debts of her parents. The old lady did not know she worked in town, but apparently her son was still meeting her in secret. "My boy was in love with her. You saw how pretty she is. She was always lovely, ever since she was a child. He told me he did not want to marry and instead would take care of me till the day I died. But I know that truth, he did not want another girl… What a pity!"

Choi Young listened, he already finished his third cup and the alcohol started to take its effect, making him drowsy and less in control. Tears came easily, and he allowed himself to cry for a sad destiny of these two people and the poor old lady. And then he cried for all the Kisaengs who would never get a chance to live freely like regular women or to love and be loved like every woman deserves. And then he cried more for himself and Imja, thinking that no matter how tragic his life was, he was beyond lucky because when she returns, nobody could stop them from being together. He just needed to be more patient and wait more diligently… He stayed the night in the lady's house, falling asleep on the bench, and she covered him with a blanket she took from her son's room.

"Sir. We were given some information from Kisaengs, you might want to hear," said one of the locals who served as WooDalChi; Choi Young was shaken out of his sleep and was surprised that he did not hear the man coming. "That's why I don't drink", he grumbled. Alcohol lowered his alertness and ability to be aware of his surroundings when asleep. "Apparently the man responsible for the weapon depot is a regular visitor at the Kisaeng house, and the girls all dislike him. When he gets drunk he gets violent, so they don't like to serve him; he also gets very talkative and is known to spill information easily and indiscriminately."

Choi Young looked up at the soldier, and for the first time in a while he gave a smile of satisfaction. "What time is it?"

"It's after the height of the noon, sir. You slept in late today."

Choi Young, moved his shoulders to release tight muscles and stretched his sore neck, massaging the back of it, and then cracked it from side to side. He brushed the hair off his face, combing his fingers through the locks. Then got up, rubbing his temples - he had a heavy head – he was not used to the alcohol at all. "Is he there right now?" he asked groaning.

"Yes sir. The girls at the house are already finding out all we need; what kind of weapons they have stored, how much they have, and who was involved."

While the man spoke, Choi Young pulled from the folds of his tunic a wooden tag with a royal seal and inscription, together with a rolled parchment. "Take it", and handed it to the Woodalchi.

"What is it sir?" he looked back at the general, puzzled.

"Can you read?" And when the man nodded affirmatively, added, "Then read it."

The soldiers eyes widened, and surprise showed on his face.

"Can we do that sir? Would not we get in trouble?" He was referring to the royal mandate, which came in handy after all.

"I will explain everything on the way, and yes we can do it, that's why it is called a royal mandate." This young soldier was frustrating Choi Young, he needed to train them better to listen to commanders and not ask so many annoying questions.

"But sir…"

"Those ladies work hard, sergeant, trust them to have all we need." Choi Young stood, and the old lady appeared from the door, carrying a cup of water and a plate of steaming nuts "For the road, son."

"Thanks, Haimoni, I have to run."

The old lady smiled and offered the cup; he took it and drinking it till the last drop, returned to her, smiling as well. He picked up his sword. "Let's go."

"Where are we going, sir?"


	17. Chapter 16

**Dear readers, it seems that you are all looking forward to the time when CY and ES finally reunite. As for me, the story of him waiting is as important as the time they share together. I'm hoping that this story still keeps you interested and I would love to hear your thoughts about it as well. It is coming to an end soon, which is sad for me, because I've become quite attached to the Daejang, who has to deal with life on his own, while coping without his beloved. I hope my excitement is evident, so enjoy.**

**LOSS**

**Part 8 It's coming together**

Now he needed to move and move quickly. The men were gathered in their usual spot and the general gave out quick and short orders, each of them had a specific task assigned.

"I will go to the house of the Lord Temur's son. You two - with me."

The man has been drinking heavily and was already getting handy with the kisaengs, who served him, smacking them and trying to pull their clothes off. The girls were screaming, as he was grabbed and dragged down the steps, strong hands threw him on the ground and sharp edge of the sword cooled his heated neck.

"If you move, you die."

"Who are you? How dare you…" and a strong blow to the head kept him quiet.

"Sorry", a young Woodalchi apologized to the women who were crying in fear in the corner. "I promise he will never touch any of you again."

As he came to, he was tied up in a dark room and when he tried to protest, he was hit hard again.

"I told you not to move. Do you not understand Korean?"

"Sorry, sorry," he began groveling, trying to grab the boots in front him, "spare me, please", he begged, rubbing his tied hands together, afraid to look up at the person who threatened him. The boot kicked him hard in the stomach, he crouched and cried.

"Does it hurt?" the voice asked.

"It does, very much…." He cried out, whimpering.

"Good then. Maybe, you will learn not to hurt others. If you ever even lift a finger on any woman again, and I mean ever… I will personally cut your arm off." And the boot kicked him again now in the side. "Do you hear me? Those girls who served you, those Kisaengs… How dare you hit them?"

"Forgive me," and the man slobbered his disgusting mouth over the top of the boot, trying to kiss it. The boot pushed him away, like a dirty annoying dog. And somebody's hands gagged him to shut him up.

Meanwhile, Daejang was marching to the young master's house. Loudly knocking on the gate, he announced his arrival. A scared and shaking servant opened up.

"I have a royal mandate for search and interrogation," announced sternly Choi Young. "Where is your master?"

He stormed into the house, turning all the furniture upside down, crushing everything in site. Fearful servants, running around screaming.

"Everybody out!" He roared, "Now!" And they ran outside, huddling by the servant quarters.

Breaking the doors that stood in his way, he burst into the room where the culprit was supposed to be. What he found, threw him back in time to the horrible day when his teacher was murdered. The drunk and drugged king in a middle of an orgy, who used a master's own sword to take his life! The scene he faced was too much alike, and he lost it. He lost it so badly! The young master, half naked, pouring alcohol on the bare breasts of the two prostitutes at his sides, licking the wine off them and then puffing opium for desert. Everything happened too quickly. The girls scattered away once they saw Choi Young moving toward the young lord, covering themselves with cloths. The man was grabbed and lifted with the left hand to the eye level, pushed against the wall and sword pinching his throat, general's eye lit with blind fury. His sword was so sharp and would go into his neck so smoothly, it would feel real good to see him dangle and squirm and spill his dirty blood… Choi Young was saved from himself as one word flashed in his mind "IMJA".

"Where is Dae Man? What have you done to him?" he hissed into the man's face.

The lord's eyes, glossy from the drugs and alcohol, did not reflect much capacity for thought or comprehension, he only smiled a crooked grimace, and cried out, "Put me down, it hurts."

Choi Young let him go, and the man's body fell on a floor with a dull thump, like a sack of potatoes.

"Useless piece of crap," he spit and he turned. "I need him sober and able to talk ASAP! Search the premises, interrogate everybody in the household. He is looking at high treason, we need solid evidence to make him pay. If you can get testimonies, even better. Promise them money and protection. I can assure that much. I will be back in half an hour."

And he left, his steps light, almost flying, rushing to another place where the truth might be hiding.

In the empty room the prisoner passed out, after he has been beaten by the heavy boot of his guard. He was brought back to consciousness by a splash of cold water, his gag was taken off, and while forced to kneel before the man sitting at the center of the darkened room, he spit some blood.

"When is the shipment of weapons coming?" Asked Choi Young, watching the man. He seemed lost for a second, unable to comprehend the question, but then set his good eye on Choi Young and gasped, when he attempted to cower away he was forced down again. "When is the shipment of weapons coming?" Asked the Commanding General again, not liking to repeat himself.

"The… the shipment? In three days, three days!"

"Who is fixing the deliveries? Who pays and how?"

"The payments I don't' know about, but Magistrate Lu is the one who fixes everything with the other side."

"And the other side? Who is it?"

"I don't' know, I just receive the weapons from soldiers and sometimes the merchants themselves."

"Do you work for the young Lord Temur?"

"Yes."

"What is his role in all of this?"

"He gives orders, but he does not do anything under his name, Magistrate Lu deals with everybody directly. That way it can't be traced to the lord."

"I see. How do you know that?"

"Because I overheard a conversation."

"Did you know the messenger Min Hak?"

"He delivered messages for the young master. He was tight lipped and loyal."

"Have you met the boy who befriended your boss, where is he?"

"The who?"

Choi Young stood, and stared down at the man, who trembled like a leaf under his piercing gaze. "Where!?"

"I don't know, they were supposed to go hunting but the boy never showed up!"

"Was he found out?"

"The boy? I don't' know, I don't know." He was thrown to the floor, and Choi Young looked around the room.

"Where is Magistrate Lu?"

"His house is being searched as we speak."

"Find me the man! I need him alive, so that I have a card to play with the Lord Temur. Don't harm him, treat him nicely. He seems to like money. Give him a lot to open his mouth. If he does not, threaten his family and anybody that he cares about. We are running out of time. I will go back to the lord's house, hopefully the guys sobered him up." He ordered in a low voice, so that he prisoner could not hear. Then turned back to the man on the floor. "Where are the deposits?"

"Its… it's on the outside of town, in a barn."

"And the others?"

"Others?"

"There's more than one deposit, we already know; where are the other deposits?"

"One's… one's in magistrate Lu's basement, the other is a cave, on the mountain." Choi Young slapped the man's head and turned up to the soldiers around him.

"Find me this cave, maybe, will find Dae Man there."

Hurriedly, he returned to the house of the young lord, where with the help of the servants and some slapping around from Woodalchi, he has sobered up a bit.

"Put him against the wall," ordered Choi Young, his voice tired. He needed this whole thing to move, but at every turn a new obstacle appeared and a new unexpected player took the stage.

"Do you know who I am?" the pitiful man had the nerve to ask.

"I believe you are not very clear about your situation. As we speak, I am collecting the evidence about your involvement in high treason against Yuan monarchy, abuse of power on Goreyo land, and you are considered to be the leader of the antigovernment coup." He sighed. The list was too long to even bother. "In addition, you are responsible for the disappearance of one of the king's escorts, which I take personally. If I were you, I would take high treason against Yuan as a blessing compared to what I will do to you if one of my man was harmed." Said calmly and clearly Choi Young.

The man sobered up right in front of his eyes. He was terrified, even with all the drugs he's done, he apparently had some brain left to at least comprehend when he should fear for his life.

"I will tell you everything, just don't hurt me. I don't like pain."

"Even animals have an instinct to survive." Remarked Choi Young. "Since you don't like pain, I will make it painless."

And he pulled out a roll of cloth. He carefully unraveled it to reveal a set of small daggers.

The man began crying. "Please, I promise, I will tell you everything, everything. I know a lot. I do."

"I don't doubt that for a minute." Continued Choi Young taking a dagger at a time and carefully weighing it in his hand. "I think this is the perfect one." And he turned, the dagger came flying at the man, who did not have time to move and his robe was pinned to the wall right at the armpit.

He whimpered, not able to speak.

"So, where were we?"

"Please, just tell me what you want."

"It is not **what**, it is **who** I want." And Choi Young came closer, foreboding tone of his voice, made the man squirm and shut his eyes, waiting for the deathblow. "I would prefer if you kept your eyes open when I'm talking to you," requested Daejan.

"Yeees, siiirrr," cowered the man.

Choi Young took another dagger and slammed it hard into the wall, pinning the mans sleeve.

"Where is my boy? Where is Dae Man?" he got really close.

"Who? What boy?"

"The one who was supposed to take you hunting."

"Oh, the young man, the one who stutters?"

"Yes, that one."

"My father has him."

Choi Young pulled back, surprised and worried. Now he had to deal with the lord Temur himself and he was not a weak opponent.

"Does it mean he is still alive?" his voice shaking.


	18. Chapter 17

**_Thanks guys. You made my day. Here I was, thinking that I was the only one left to care about Dae Man to be found and Daejang to complete this Journey. Thanks for your thoughts and comments. _**

**_Darcy De Venus: "This is bouncing!" - I never got such a fun compliment before. I hope it will continue that way. _**

**_Anies: I shared your comment with Nanu, as I was very touched, and she exclaimed (sorry Nanu, but I have to boast :)) "She nailed the point of your story quite nicely; I hoped someone would have nailed my story that well." So thank you for such thoughtful and deep understanding._**

**_Lauren: "In here, daejang is like his old self again - a really great general who is good at what he does." Agree and then some more, because he is really really angry and motivated. I love this side of him, too. Can't see the future, I'm not a psychic, can't promise anything either, but I keep all of your suggestions for all the stories on the back on my mind and hopefully will have an inspiration... _**

**_So, all and all, Daejang is on the war path and one more chapter to go - he will have his boy back! Hold on for the ride, tomorrow (or even tonight, depending on how it works out - you will rescue our brave Dae Man together with CY)._**

**LOSS**

**PART 9 INTERROGATION**

The magistrate's confession was obtained without much effort; once he saw the shine of gold, his mouth opened. He provided necessary details and produced ledgers and a chest filled with bribes he received for his services. The written confession was sealed and stamped, and the man was left a prisoner in his home under the guard of the two Woodalchi, as a reward for his cooperation.

Armed now with a full confession, Choi Young headed to the house of the coup leader, Lord Temur. The royal mandate was read out loud as the doors were opened to reveal the heavily guarded sprawling grounds of the aristocrat's property. Without further delay, Choi Young posted his men throughout the house to prevent anybody from escaping or getting rid of the evidence. He moved hastily toward the study, where the elderly Lord Temur was seated, apparently in the middle of his afternoon reading. After a simple introduction, identifying himself as Choi Young, commander of Woodalchi, the general stated: "I heard you were outraged about the royal document, enabling my soldiers to search your house. I will proceed with the search, please remain in here." The two Woodalchi guards entered the room instantaneously and stood beside the man, swords unsheathed, and Choi Young was already by the door, when the voice stopped him in his tracks.

"How dare you disgrace me in this manner?" Exclaimed Lord Temur, making the WooDalChi General turn, not interested in the man's outburst, and sigh.

"We have your son, my lord." And he carefully watched how the man's face twitched in attempt to constrain the grimace of shock. "He is wanted for plotting against the crown."

The man gained control over his face, but his hands betrayed him, shaking. "There must be some mistake, my son is not capable of this."

"Is he now?" a curiosity was heard in the general's tone. "In addition, we have other charges for him to face, if this is not enough: illegal weapon dealings, production and distribution of opium, prostitution trafficking and slave trading…"

The man's hands were now shaking uncontrollably and he hid them underneath a low table in front of which he was seating.

"Furthermore," Chou Young continued his voice hitting higher notes now, "he is responsible for the disappearance of one of the king's escorts."

"If you leave my home now…" the lord spoke daring to face the warrior, "you may still avoid the embarrassment of being exposed as a fraud."

Choi Young chuckled, he did not expect this to become amusing, and it would be more fun, if he had time and was not worried to death about Dae Man with every passing second. "Are you telling me, Commanding General of Goryeo to leave this place, when I have orders from MY King? To go against MY King's wishes? Is that what you want?"

Lord Temur's eyes widened, he did not expect to have this man identify himself so easily. "I'm wondering how you, a Goryeo national, able to carry out such a mandate on behalf of Yuan."

"Apparently, the word about my skill has reached the ears of the Yuan Emperor. I understand he likes the way I work, and was particularly impressed at how I annexed Yuan lands back to Goryeo. Anyway, he appreciates my talents in finding truth and my interrogation techniques. Honestly, I was surprised myself that such an honor would be bestowed upon a mere Commanding General of Woodalchi, Royal Army and the whole of Goryeo."

The man's eyes lit up with anger, his lips quivered and he lifted his hand trying to say something… "You, you… what have you done with my child?" he finally forced himself to speak.

No answer was granted. Having little time to spare, Choi Young went inside the adjacent library and personally combed through the high stacks, picking up book after book, scanning the contents and throwing them carelessly on the floor, checking the next one and the next after that. Small boxes opened, their insides inspected, bookshelves cleared, moved and lifted to check for hidden compartments… The man in the other room kept screaming, demanding answers, and the soldiers were talking him down, warning that they would have to gag him if he continued the disturbance…

Not having found anything of value for the investigation, Choi Young returned. Standing in the doorway, he looked directly at the man's eyes, causing him to stop yelling.

"He is being charged with high treason and his fate is practically sealed. We have enough evidence to have him executed without further trial. We have a reason to believe you are working, along with the magistrate and a group of wealthy influential aristocrats in recruiting people for an armed rebellion and planning a coup."

"May I look at the document?" the lord requested, finally realizing the futility of his situation.

"Ah… I apologize, in a hurry, I did not have a chance to give you the mandate. Would you like to read it for yourself?" And he threw the scroll on the table.

The old man read it, face paling as he recognized the royal seal of Yuan along with the Goryeo stamp.

"I am done wasting time. You have two options: I search the house with your help willingly, you give up all the evidence, tell me where you keep the boy and give yourself up; or you watch your son beheaded in front of you right now, in this room."

"The boy?" the man's eyes reflected confusion. Here he thought he was being caught for treason, but this was about some boy?

"Yes, Dae Man, the one your son confirmed you have imprisoned."

Choi Young approached the man and towering above him leaned to meet his eyes.  
"This is quite simple: I have your son, you have my man. Let's have this exchange done cleanly," he said softly, coldly. "I'll give you a minute to consider."

He stepped aside, wondering about how long Dae Man has left and whether he might be late because he was trying to do the right thing by the king.

Lord Temur hesitated, too stunned to answer, and remained quiet.

"Then you leave me no other choice. Bring him in."

And the man could not restrict himself from crying out when his bound son was dragged into the room, and forced to kneel in front of Choi Young. The father crawled from behind the table, on his knees, reaching his shaking hands to his son. "What have you done?!"

"Abonim!" and the disgraceful man dropped his head to the ground in front his father.

The parchment scroll was delivered and Choi Young explained, "Here I have a confession given by Magistrate Lu, he got the best end of the deal. Now who of you two was the mastermind behind the coup? This is the last chance. Whoever tells the truth and helps me find the boy, will have a chance to speak on his behalf at the trial. The other one dies on the spot."

Father and son stared at each other, while Choi Young finished reading the confession; there was short tense silence. When no answer came, the general dropped the paper with the stamped confession on the nearby table and slowly drew his sword, making the son squirm and cower, pointing a finger at his father. "It was him, he did it! I told him not to, but he wanted to change the hands at the palace, so that he could take over this territory singlehandedly and become the only lord and master!"

Everybody who witnessed this was surprised by the quick betrayal, while Choi Young stared at the son with hindered amusement. His plan worked better and much faster than he had hoped: the son betraying the father, the father in bitter tears, beaten by the snake he reared so lovingly….

"You sniveling coward! I was doing this for you to rule this land!"

"I don't'… I didn't'…"

The old Lord Temur suddenly gasped for air, grabbing his chest, obviously in pain and collapsed, fainting.

"Get this pig out of my sight!" not even looking at the son, who was taken out, barked disgusted Choi Young, while moving to sit on the stool, right next to the father. He slapped the old man's face a few times to bring him back and then asked someone to spray cold water on him. The man slowly regained consciousness, still laying on his side on the floor. The general extended his hand pulling him up to a sitting position. This outcome gave him a semblance of satisfaction, just for a split second, but mainly the whole thing was so sickening and appalling, he wished it to be over right away.

"You son must have made you very proud", he remarked caustically. "He followed in your footsteps and outdone you - he is willing to sell his own blood just to spare himself from pain. Are all the money and lies you poured in abandon to cover up for his crimes were worth it?"

Lord Temur's eyes were filled with tears, regret and shock.

"Where is my friend?" And coldly Choi Young gazed into the man's eyes, making him shiver in horror.

* * *

Before leaving the room, Choi Young gave an order:

"As long as he talks, keep his head attached to his shoulders. If he has nothing to say, we'll just have to report to the king that he accidently stumbled and fell over a sharp edge of the sword. Unfortunate things do happen."

And Deok Man, nodded. He never heard the general speak like that, but again, this was no ordinary interrogation. If he could, he himself would gladly orchestrate the accident.


	19. Chapter 18

_**One down, one more to go...**_

_**This is the last part in Dae Man rescue series. I have to admit that finishing this chapter, I even had tears in my eyes at times. Happy that he is alive. Happy that Daejang is so amazing. That's good enough for me.**_

_**After this - the grand finale. I really want you guys to read the final chapters as they hold a lot meaning and are extremely dear to my heart. **_

**LOSS**

**Part 10 Rescue**

Choi Young was led down a dark humid corridor, with its walls covered in lime and dripping sewer waters; he had to steel himself in order not to turn away, as the servant, apparently used to the conditions of the small space, moved forward. There were various cells to each side, all of them with a poor soul inside; as they moved deeper into the cave they found themselves in need of light and the torch was lit to show the way. Scanning each and every cell Choi Young desperately called out the boy's name, finding no one to answer him.

"He is this way," and the servant opened a thick creaky door, leading to a round courtyard, without any roof above, surrounded on all sides by the tall stone walls. The servant came over to the middle of the circular area; he leaned to the ground and unlocking a large beam with a chain, slid a hidden door open, revealing a deep old well.

A rope was tied around Choi Young's waist and up the shoulders, like a harness. He quickly descended into the deep pit, filled with foul, grimy slime that used to be water at one time. The stench of feces, urine, blood and human flesh hit his nose, rendering him dizzy. His feet neared the dark mound next to the wall, where at the bottom a figure was crouched on the floor, as dark and moldy as the walls of the ancient well itself. Two small shiny yellow buttons flickered and a fat rat, slowly turned away from Dae Man's face and walked away, like an owner of this place, slowly and pompously. Choi Young kneeled in front of his friend. Lifting his lifeless body in his arms he gave a signal to pull him up.

Once back on top, he was able to see Dae Man's features, bite marks and scratches, clothes were torn drags and his feet were shoeless. For some reason the feet were what killed him the most, the feet of the boy who could run and fly and climb freely, the one who used to do somersaults around the compound just to entertain everybody. The acrobat, the joker, the soul of Woodalchi! "Hot water and clean rags," he urged, screaming he thought, yet the sound was barely a whisper… Clogged with tears, his throat blocked the voice and he tried to swallow hard, pushing it all down, and call "Dae Man, I'm here for you, my dear friend. I have come." This time around, the sound reached the boy's ears, no matter how low it was. His body jerked and a groan came from inside of him, he launched for an attack, clutching his jaws around the arm that held him. Sharp teeth pierced the tunic and the general felt a warm trickle of blood stream down his wrist and fingers. Choi Young did not pull away or moved, he watched his dear child revert back to the wild downtrodden thing he once found in the woods. To protect his mind and his body, Dae Man had to turn into an animal again, just to survive the torture. As he watched, Choi Young felt anger and pain mixing in a dangerous cocktail in his body, and his KI gathering at the tips of his fingers; he lifted his arm, aiming it at a wooden structure behind the walls, making sure to keep the danger away from Dae Man and his men. The lightining struck momentarily, flames rising and consuming the building. The release helped - the fury was tamed temporarily. Once again the boy attacked, at the end of his tether, and another bite went into the warrior's arm, but this time lighter. The general made sure not to spook him and kept his arm steady, as the child lifted his maddened eyes and slowly let the arm go, tilting the head down and hiding into a curl, covering his head with thin arms.

Although Choi Young assumed nobody heard him, someone already figured out what was needed and a pail with hot water along with the basketful of clean cloths were put next to him. He soaked a few rags and gently placed the heated fabric on Dae Man's feet. The boy yanked the leg at first instinctively, but then attracted by warmth, relaxed, and knowing that it was safe to proceed, Choi Young lovingly washed and cleaned his feet, to the tips of his toes. Clean wraps were put on, and he then took his favorite boots off and dressed Dae Man's feet. Now he felt better. The precious feet were clean, warm and protected.

"Dae Man, can I wash your face?" he asked gently. His hands moved away kinky hairs off, opening up the forehead and the eyes, still tightly shut, the lips trembling with fear. He wiped the dirt, grime and blood till he could see the dark skin underneath. Lifting the boy's head a bit, he tried to pour some water in his mouth to drink, and the lips opened and greedily gulped what was offered.

The general sat next to the boy's body for a few hours already, tending to various parts at a time, not to scare him. He was almost cleaned up and already had fresh robes and a blanket warm the body. Dae Man still kept his eyes closed, as if not daring to open them, but was no longer aggressively lunging at every move of the general.

"I will pick you up now. How about a piggy back? Would you like that?"

Dae Man allowed the general to lift him and a few other soldiers carefully placed his body on the general's back. The limbs grabbed onto him, and the warm back started to melt away the boy's terror…

* * *

After dragging Lord Temur down the prison path, the soldiers found the General standing in front of an empty well.

"So you like torturing people," he stated simply, as if continuing an interrupted conversation. "Then I am forced to give you a taste of your own medicine. There is a lot for you to think about while you rot in the well. Let's see if someone cares enough to find you there," and reaching forward, he took a hold of the man's collar and while he begged to spare him, Choi Young motioned for the Woodalchis to finish the job, dropping him into the hole in the ground. The man fell into the dark pit, a loud splash, moans and cries for help and forgiveness were heard, as the door to the outside world was shut above him and locked.

Deok Man was shocked at the general's harshness, "Sir, should not we at least keep him in better condition before he stands the trial?"

"Like I said, accidents happen, he walked by and stumbled into the well. There was nobody around to help. I believe the king will be understanding," and he gave a cold smile, walking away.

Deok Man had shivers going down his spine and yet somehow it was reassuring, the general would always take care of his men and then some.

* * *

They found the messenger hiding in the cave where the weapons were stored. Min Hak was alive, barely, but alive. He was still holding onto the message, the most important one, revealing final plans for the rebellion. They brought him home as the chestnut vendor fainted at his sight. The doctor arrived shortly and by the end of the day, things have settled. The Kisaeng girl came in the evening, in guise, and spend the whole night by his side taking care of his weakened body.

Choi Young was no stranger to tending to the sick after Imja's poisoning. He knew what it was like to see somebody you love fade away in front of you. He sympathized with the girl's plight. He taught her everything he knew about how to lower a fever and keep the body hydrated, but could not stay to help; he was busy in the other room, where Dae Man was in recovery.

Watching over him, the general was resting his body against the wall, eyes closed, when he heard the first words to come out after Dae Man was rescued:

"You are nothing like my father. Forgive my hurtful words that day. I was not myself."

Choi Young still with eyes shut, was quietly taking in the words of his young friend.

"I wished many times that you would be the one who brought me up, that you would be my real father."

"Shush, sleep. You need rest. Your bride is waiting for you. Pretty soon you may have children of you own. Then you can be the kind of father you want to be and all of this will become a distant memory."

"General," and the boy pointed at the bandages: "I bit you, did not I?" He hid his eyes away in shame.

Instead of answering, Choi Young got up "I want to show you something." And he took off the tunic, exposing his torso, covered in scars. "Do you see how many scars I have?"

"Yes, general."

"They ache on rainy days; I hate most of them, they remind me of pain and torture, blood and death."

The boy watched and listened, eyes now open wide, curious where this was going.

The general rolled up his pants exposing the calves. Barely seen teeth marks, scarred his legs. "Do you know where these came from?"

And Dae Man blushed, embarrassed.

"These are my favorite scars, I wear them with pride," and he petted unruly mane of his friend, lovingly and with a smile.

The boy laughed, shy smile on his lips, eyes filled with love and trust, again.

They did not need to say sorry or ask for forgiveness. The broken bond not only has been revived, now it has become strengthened, nothing ever could tear them apart.


	20. Chapter 19

**This is the last and final chapter in the series. I have to confess – this is by far one of my favorite stories, I have ever written. I hope that after reading both parts, you may feel the same. Let's join the general and see where this journey takes him.**

**THOSE ON THE SIDELINES…**

**Part 1**

Choi Young prepared for his next trip to "The Tree of hope". The time could not be any better. Woodalchi were now in charge of training and establishing procedures for the border patrol.

"No luck finding the High Doctor yet?"

"Way to hit someone over the head, aunt! Can you be any more blunt?"

"Did you know that the Queen is aware of your excursions?"

"So? There is nothing wrong with them, it's a personal matter and the King allowed me to take time off once in a while," he barked back, all the while busy fixing his armor, pulling on some strap to tighten it around his waist. This way of talking, sharp - tongued bites back and force – it was probably a family thing. Their banter allowed for nothing but truth, no twisting maneuvers, just the way it is. Boom, and cut clean through the crap and directly to the core.

"Ooh, defensive much!" She bobbed her head from side to side disapprovingly.

"What is the matter aunt, I have no time for your little comments. Did you quit your job or something? Because I have things to do."

"Why are you in such a foul mood?"

"I am not!" he glared at her frowningly and stubbornly stared back at his hands, arranging the creases of his tunic under the armor, as if it was the most important thing in the world.

"I'm here, of course, on behalf of the Queen. Let's stop this," and she moved her mouth just a bit to the left, tightening her lips, which meant she was disappointed.

She was right, why was he trying to pick a fight? He had a plan, everything was ready and arranged for his departure. This interruption from his aunt was a nuisance, he thought. However, besides being his aunt, she was also the Queen's right hand.

He lifted his eyes and explained, "I don't like it when I need to change my plans abruptly. If it's about the Queen, go ahead."

"Like I said before, she is aware when you leave and when you come back. Did you know that all these years she has also been waiting? That woman has such a big heart and a giving soul. She is worried about you all the time and tries her best to help, on the sidelines."

"I know, she worries. It is not appropriate for her to keep comforting me, the king dislikes it even when she touches my hand. She spoke with me a few times about Imja. She believes that the Heavens are angry with her and the king and told me that she is making reparations."

"So she does. She is going on a pilgrimage to a temple, she chose it for a reason. The king only would allow her to go, if you accompany her. Will you come?"

"I'm available after a week."

"It has to be done now. If you absolutely set your mind on leaving, I will inform the Queen."

"Wait a minute, hold on." He needed a moment to think. "I'd like to speak with her then."

"There is something you need to hear about before."

And his aunt told him about queen's 'reparations'. After the High Doctor disappeared, the Queen went to the temple every day for an entire month and prayed diligently for her safe return. She watched Choi Young's struggles from aside, and when he first announced to the king that he was going to the Heavens gate, some 4 or 5 years ago, she declared: "I'm going to accompany the general. This is not only his loss, we all lost somebody very important." She did not mean that she would go with him, she had her own way – every time when he was waiting by the "Tree of hope", she devoted herself at the altar. Praying for him and for Eun Soo, she prayed for both of them, because she knew that they were as one, just torn into two pieces and now desperate to be joined.

"Every time?" Choi Young was not as surprised as grateful. Was it the power of her prayers that kept him safe for Eun Soo all these years? The Queen's grace extended over people around her, and it touched him with its invisible protection.

"I will speak with her," he was even more determined now.

The Queen's posture was always impeccable and her movements were royal, even the way she held a cup when she drank tea exuded an aura of nobility. The general watched her, enchanted, from a few yards away, then approached. She was taking her tea outside, on a beautiful covered terrace, overlooking the back view from the palace, which opened to a wild terrain of old fur trees atop the slopes of the mountain.

"Please join me."

"Thank you, Your Majesty."

"Did Lady Choi inform you about my request?"

"She did."

"Will you come with me?"

"Your Majesty," he felt that not going with his initial plan would betray Eun Soo, like he was cheating on her somehow if he stayed by the Queen's side, "can I be candid with you?"

"Yes, General. I will listen to what you have to say."

"It is in regards to the High Doctor. I'm aware that you have been upraised of my trips and I truly appreciate that you devoted your personal time to send prayers her way. I was planning on going to the Heavens Gate today. As you know, I have many responsibilities… It was not easy to carve out the time. What I'm trying to say…"

"Say no more. I understand. It makes it difficult for me," she did not sound upset, her face reflected thought, not anger. She elegantly lifted up her arm, only flexing the wrist to pour a cup for him, using her other hand to keep the sleeve from brushing against plates with sweets and fruits. "You did not even take your tea, yet."

She was too calm about it, it did not feel right. He was obviously missing something extremely important. As usual, his tunnel vision, when it came to Eun Soo, obstructed his ability to see beyond the obvious. It was his turn to figure out what the Queen really wanted from him.

"May I ask, what is the purpose of your trip? Is the timing of importance?"

"I'm glad you asked." The Queen's smart eyes pierced through him, "It is for her."

_Her? She could not possibly mean Imja?_

"Go ahead, I can see that you curious," the Queen enjoyed having a conversation with a man, especially if he was so easily led to where she wanted. She was no longer a naive young girl who was in love with a future king of Goryeo and ended up marrying him. Life in the palace and the seat of the queen forced her to acquire skills of persuasion. She was an experienced woman, who learned to be subtle, using words, like weaving a cloth, to change a man's mind, one strand after another, till the fabric came out just how she intended, with a man always thinking he was the one who came up with the idea. This approach worked with the king and it seemed to work with the general as well.

"You don't mean the High Doctor?" almost fearful to hear the answer, he held his breath.

"I do. I believe there is a way to bring her home sooner."

He was eating her every word, hungry for more.

The Queen's face changed, it spelled regret. "I can't help, but feel responsible for her disappearance. I have a strong believe in Buddha. He gives miracles to those who believe, like water for the thirsty." She reached out and took his hand. "I have been following the changes in the sky. Our royal observatory has very knowledgeable astronomers. The stars are lined in our favor. They say it has something to do with the sun. I just found out from the report this morning. There is only a small window of opportunity for me. The temple where I'm going is a three day's travel to the North. There is a man, who is said to have reached the Buddha's ears through meditation and prayer. I will meet that man and bring the High Doctor to you." She firmly wrapped her fingers around his palm, "I think it's best if you come with me and meet him as well."

Choi Young visibly deflated. Despite the Queen's conviction, which deserved a lot of respect, he did not think the same. Loving Eun Soo and waiting for her, without fail, getting through the darkest of times, dying inside without her and breathing the air, just to be next to her one day - he believed in that. Not so much into a stranger, whose enlightment was reached through meditation.

"General, I understand that we each have our ways and what you have to offer is much more than me". She spoke as if she read his mind. "If you would allow me, I would need to have your company on my journey because I believe that without your presence, the trip will not be successful."

"Why is it so important to you? I'm not good with a prayer, and I do not look up to Buddha as the force to bring my woman back. I will only be in the way and with my personality, I won't do too well within the constraints of a monastery."

"Because it is your love and your faith that is needed. The monk is only a vessel. He cannot help, unless the person who yearns for her return is there. The words can materialize only born from true intention."

"The words can materialize from true intention," he repeated, processing in his mind the meaning. _The words can become real. The words that come from true intention. True intention creating reality. His need for her will change the reality. His true intention is to have her back. _

"Your Majesty, I'm not a Buddhist scholar. I can only derive basic meaning from what you said, but is it your conviction that because I truly wish for her return, the monk can somehow help me?"

"It is, general. It is." The Queen got up and went around the chair from the back, placing her hands on his shoulders. "Please let me help you, this is the only way I know of."

They both looked into the distance. The view of the nearest mountain and more mountains in the distance, changing from deep green to the shades of blues and grays, lines blurring and fading with perspective, only a hint of what lies beyond.

"I'll prepare for the journey with the king's permission." He got up, bowing, and left.

Choi Young kept thinking about what the Queen had said. He never had the patience to explore the mystical, his life was about the raw reality of life and death, fighting and survival. The mystical, heavenly and ephemeral was something that Eun Soo brought into his existence: Her mere appearance from the future, her ability to travel through time, her being flesh and blood, yet a unique creation. Sometimes he thought she was made of stardust, she had magic embedded in her – her touch cured him, her gaze fed him and her tears had the power to bring his dead body back to life. Eun Soo was of divine origins. And he was a simple man who was granted this enormous opportunity to be near such a creature. Maybe, the way to her can be found through supernatural means as well. He thought of what he could offer in exchange – his love, his devotion, hope and faith. If his faith is no longer an abstract, will it open the doors from another time for her to enter?

They departed at dawn, trying to catch as much daylight as was possible. Choi Young plotted the route through Goryeo territories, although there were no good roads to the mountain, at least they would not have to worry about who might question them on the way. The Queen's absence from the palace should have been kept a secret, and the fact that she was traveling with the general required to be discrete to avoid any unnecessary rumors.


	21. Chapter 20

**It is here, the end. I feel like I have to say something wise and profound, but words escape me. All I can say that I'm happy to have shared this journey with the readers. I was truly touched and even tearful at the comments and will try my best to continue writing in a way that makes the characters come to life. **

**Ending the series with this story - I'm at peace.**

**And if I may, I hope to hear from you guys in the reviews for my other stories that I'm currently working on. (The next chapter for A Matter of Marriage is coming out tonight!) And if you are interested and have not had a chance to look at the short 1-2 chapter stories I posted in the past, I'm inviting everybody to check them out and also leave your thoughts. **

**THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE AND COMPASSION TOWARD CHOI YOUNG AND HIS LONG AND ARDUOUS JOURNEY TILL THE VERY END. **

**GROUP HUG!**

* * *

**THOSE ON THE SIDELINES **

**Part 2**

The golden autumn scenery dazzled the travelers with bright colors. Crimson reds and deep golds surrounded the winding mountain road to the temple. Beautiful autumn foliage lined their path as nature's carpet, made of the rich array of splendid colors. As they arrived to the gates, the doors opened and a scenic courtyard welcomed them; the undamaged natural habitat offered weary visitors a measure of serenity and peace. Even Choi Young was moved by the beauty of the temple's grounds.

"General, I'd like to introduce the man whom we have come to meet."

The monk appeared from a small doorway, his silent footsteps made Choi Young uncomfortable. He was not sure he could trust a man, who did not want to be heard coming.

"You Majesty, is he the one you told me about?" spoke the man to her with a dose of casual familiarity.

"Yes, master, he is," and the Queen respectfully bowed to the man.

Choi Young's right hand moved to the sword, he carried tucked in his belt, in indignation, he can barely control himself from seizing the monk by the scruff of the neck with his left hand, forcing him to kneel in front of the Queen. What just occurred in front of his eyes was wrong, this was completely backwards.

The monk, after accepting the bow, gently lifted the young woman by her elbow and then turned to Choi Young.

"General, welcome. I'm very honored to have made your acquaintance," and bowed to him.

Choi Young almost lost his speech. The old man was out of his mind completely – bowing to him, and treating the Queen like a commoner.

"Please, follow me, I will show you to your room," and again he respectfully extended his hand with a half bow.

"Your Majesty, may I speak with you in private?" inquired Choi Young, who needed clarification right away. He felt like he entered an alternative mirror universe, where monks revered generals and where queens were no longer acknowledged as royalty.

"After we attend the prayer. We came just on time, they follow a strict schedule here", and she gave him a smile of reassurance.

Not very comforted, Choi Young followed the monk along a darkened corridor into a small room, with a bed, a small table with the writing implements and a seating pillow. There was a jar of water and a glass on the table, and a rolled towel on the bed. The room was dark and he did not see any candles to light.

"I apologize for such humble accommodations. We believe that needs of the body should be met at bare minimum, but the focus is always on one's soul and mind. We have found that the more sparse the accommodations are, the better they are suited for quiet meditation and contemplation."

"Where can I find candles?"

"If there is no light from the heavens, than we are meant to be in the dark."

Choi Young hated this place, he hated this man, and began to worry about the Queen's safety. This whole trip seemed like a carefully planned sham to lure a naive and unsuspecting queen into this secluded temple, possibly with the intent of harming her. Last time she was kidnapped when she went for a prayer. He was glad he came with her, but wondered why would the monk insist on his presence if they intended to go after the Queen. This was not logical or practical: nobody would invite along a warrior, who can protect her, if they went through the trouble of setting up such an elaborate plan to have her come willingly and in trust.

"How should I address you, sir?" Choi Young's tone was calm, but the pitch betrayed the anger hiding behind the simple words.

"You can call me master, just like your companion."

"My companion? Did you mean Her Highness?"

"Yes, the young lady who came with you."

"Are you not aware of who she is? I heard you call her "Your Majesty" when we first arrived. Explain yourself," he demanded.

"In the eyes of the Buddha all are equal, man or woman, royal or commoner, we are all made out of the same ingredients: flesh, mind and soul."

"Then why would you treat me differently, with more respect?"

"Because you are a man touched by the grace of Buddha. We are truly blessed to have you here," and he bowed again.

"What is it you are saying, master?" Choi Young was completely perplexed.

"The Queen is a very wise woman, she herself has known the beauty of love; but you and the one you seek appear to possess something that is beyond usual human feelings and desires. What you and The High Doctor have, transcends time and defies confines of space, for you both exist in a dimension of its own and whatever binds you together fuels the very fabric of universe, allowing you to be together at all times, inseparable, whether you are physically together or not."

Astounded and overwhelmed with a very strong emotion, Choi Young's face softened and his eyes glistened with feeling, he slowly sat on the bed, staring at the man.

"I know what I has just said may not be easy to comprehend to the one who has not devoted himself to a life long study, but in all of my time and all the times before us, none of the scripts ever described a love like that, unless it was of the heavenly genesis."

"Master," he asked very softly, his voice is barely heard, "if what you said is true, does it mean that the High Doctor and I, what we are, we are meant to be together again, in this lifetime? Is that what you believe?"

"You are favored by Buddah, both of you. Your meeting was predestined by the Heavens, as much as your separation. Whatever happens next depends solely on both of you."

"Tell me master, what should I do to bring her back to me sooner? I know she will come back, but waiting for her has gotten harder and harder with each passing year."

"Come, join us for a prayer. We will have time to talk later."

The prayer was conducted outside; the setting was strangely freeing and uplifting and each person present was urged to find a spot they liked. Choi Young's eye landed on a boulder, placed next to a small pond, right under a wide oak tree. Maybe, it reminded him of the "Tree of hope", but that place felt right. The Mater led the prayer with a rhythmic chant, and the other monks, along with the general and the Queen repeated after him. At first, it was hard for Choi Young to clear his mind, but the more he repeated the words, the more relaxed his mind became and the less he actually heard the words themselves, rather his senses heightened: the sounds and the sights of nature were crystal clear. Soon, he could distinguish between the rustles of leaves on different trees as well as the movement created by the water of the pond from the touch of the wind or from the flower that landed on it.

"High Doctor." He heard a distinct voice of the monk, very nearby, and repeated after him as if it was a part of the prayer. "Think about her."

"Think about her," echoed Choi Young, deeply in a meditative trance.

Eun Soo's face appeared in front of him, her eyes smiling, not sad, her hand reached out to him and touched his cheek, running a finger along his jaw, tracing the outline of his lips, and he opened his mouth, placing a kiss on the tip of her finger.  
"I have missed you so much, Imja," he uttered. She just smiled, calmly, he felt love as if it has materialized, he could actually experience it enveloping his body and through her eyes he was able to feel what she was feeling: the firm belief in him, the certitude in his ability to bring her back, the confidence in her ability to return, no doubt, only certainty.

"General, I think I'm ready for you now." The voice again sounded and as if waking up from a long dream, Choi Young opened his eyes – the courtyard was empty, it was dark and the only light was from the moon, reflecting on the surface of the water.

"What is happening to me?"

"Come, we don't have much time."

He followed the monk to a small chamber on the side of the building, more of an alcove, situated so that the moon could light the area.

"Tell me your name, general."

"It is Choi Young."

"The name of the High Doctor."

"Yoo Eun Soo."

"I need you to write both names for me here," and the monk gave him a piece of the red fabric and a brush. The ink was golden, and as Choi Young steadied his hand and started writing, the gold was absorbed into the scroll, the letters shining and dancing under the moonlight. It was somewhat magical.

"Here." He handed the scroll to the Master.

"Good, good, good," he muttered, taking the scroll carefully into his hands and disappeared into the darkness with his steps silent as always.

Choi Young was left waiting, not understanding anything and strangely hopeful for something, whatever it was.

The monk returned in about half an hour.

"The talisman – I need you to write it with your own hand."

"What should I write?"

"FAITH."

"Faith?"

"This is the meaning derived from your names that you have put in your writing. I'm a mere interpreter. The prayer, the meditation, the trance – they are just a conduit to help you zero on the word that holds the key to everything. And when you used the golden ink, the gold is an excellent conductor for the thoughts to materialize. Well, this is what I have read."

"I still don't understand."

"The talisman will only work if it is created by the person who is intended to use it. And you, general, have done it. At this point, there is nothing else I can do for you. Place it next to your heart. Carry it with you at all times. Go, find the woman you were meant to love. I wish you the best of luck."

"Master, I wish to express my gratitude. Anything, anything at all…"

"If you ever to wed, I would like to officiate the ceremony. I would like to meet the Heavenly Doctor myself. That is all I ask."

Still pretty shaken up, Choi Young tried to understand what happened. The heightened spiritual state he was able to achieve so easily seemed to always be within his reach, laying dormant inside of him all the time. Yet, it only came to be in his conscious awareness as Imja's image entered his mind. He realized, finally after all the turmoil and desperation, that he was the only one who built and guarded the wall of resistance and uncertainty. Tonight, this monolith cracked, all doubt and fear crumbled, now mere dust in the wind as he stands tall, a free spirit to desire anything and to love with everything that he is. Proud to be touched by this enlightened feeling, he was tremendously humbled, a devoted warrior and a man, utterly in love.

* * *

The wise monk waved them goodbye, watching the general's back, he wondered:

_Would this amazing human being ever truly understand that there is no magic talisman? It is merely a piece of cloth, symbolizing his love and faith, it is him, who makes it real. That the only way the power of transcending undying feelings could ever materialize was at his own hand, thus him carrying the talisman is not important, but it his new state of mind that he needs to take with him to the Hwata's gate. _

* * *

"You are very quiet, general, you have not said a word since the departure", gently probed the Queen.

"Your Majesty, I am afraid to talk. The noise of conversation makes it harder for me to listen to what's inside. I want to hold on to this special sense, the feeling, I cannot describe in words… I'm a changed man now, forever. And for that I'm grateful to you, as if not for your wisdom and persistence, I would not have had a chance to experience what I did at the temple, not on my own, for sure."

"Choi Young," she dropped the honorifics and spoke to him like he was family, "what you are talking about is the power of acceptance. Once you know it, it does not leave. I see in you a confident spirit, faith written all over you, on the inside and on the outside. My friend, this is the meaning of the talisman, the other name of it is FAITH." Her warm hand cupped his face, which held a gentle expression, so rare to be witnessed by anybody, but Eun Soo, yet he showed it to the Queen, allowing serenity he gained to shine through his eyes, touched by the High Doctor's loving spirit.

After they returned back to the palace safely, Choi Young departed shortly to the Hwata's gate. Whether it was the Queen's grace or Buddha's, it turned out to be the last trip he ever needed to take.


End file.
